"Well, that sucked ass!"

Friendship is an odd animal. My friend with the shitty outburst came back and said, "Hey, I am sorry and I really blew it." As much as I wanted to kick him square in the balls, I didn't. Having a sincere, meaningful apology from him meant more than I anticipated it would. Plus having a blog in which to decompress is pretty priceless, too. Sometimes you need to vent or punch a punching bag to get your anger out. The simple act of saying, "Well that sucked ass" helps you purge. That's something I felt like I was missing in my last "BFF" relationship. We didn't have proper arguments and we never aired our dirty laundry in a healthy way. She seemed to think it was a badge of honor that we never argued; I felt like it was a reflection of immense suppression. When you don't release pressure as it happens, it builds up and reaches a point of no return.

I had an experience today of losing a friend. He informed me rather curtly that his wife no longer approves of him having "outside friendships" and wants to monitor what he does. (!!!) I wasn't the only person getting cut-- I was merely on the Nazi list of undesirables. Oy. Now, to be fair, I don't know the whole story. Perhaps he cheated on her and they are trying to piece together their marriage after an infidelity. I dunno. What I do know is that he and I have never even hugged, let alone been intimate, and we've never spent time together in a non-public place. We'd have lunch in crowded, well-lit restaurants and there was never even a hint of something untoward going on. So I can walk away with dignity knowing that I didn't cause any problems with unethical behavior. The truth is that it's not personal. It feels like it is and it hurts but it's not a Godlike indictment of me as a human.

http://zenhabits.net/calm/

It's taken me a while to understand that other people's crap is not yours to tackle. And it's definitely not yours to personalize or internalize. You didn't magically cause this person's insecurities and you can't magically remove them. It may sound strange but choosing to let this person go without an argument, a question of "why am I on the bad list," or a tearful goodbye felt so amazingly freeing. It was like a genuine sea change for me. It makes life much simpler to understand that there isn't much point in going where you aren't wanted or trying to ferret out an answer that's (candidly speaking) a total waste of your time. I used to waste precious time worrying, trying to psychoanalyze, wondering if things could be resolved, asking questions, etc. The "Zen in progress" me says, "Girl, if someone says s/he needs to leave, let them walk. Perhaps they come back, perhaps they don't. In either case, you're still alive. And that life is good." Having survived clinical depression, I can say I am so very thankful to be in this space.