I’m going through a situation in my personal life that makes me reflect on that phrase. So much is justified by that phrase. I get that if someone is doing a shit job or doesn’t have the skill set needed, yes, you have to trim dead weight to stay profitable. Some people are unemployed because, well, they suck. They have terrible attitudes, they fly off the handle, they sleep on the job, they Facebook all damn day, whatever. But sometimes people use that phrase as a means to fuck you, plain and simple. I had a close friend who totally screwed me over, sheepishly admitted it to me, and then had the gall to dictate to me how I ought to feel about it. I think it was the latter part of that—telegraphing to me what my emotions ought to be—that really set my teeth on edge. He literally said, “Thanks for putting my welfare over your own.” Ya know, I’m not Jesus. It made me think of that bumper sticker that says something like, “Jesus loves you. Everyone else hates your guts.” LOL. But I have to eat, too, and I have bills to pay. At least stab me from the front rather than stabbing me in the back. Allow me to see the fuck-over coming so that I can prepare accordingly and say, “Et tu, Brute?” Since I am ranting, let’s just go all out. Let’s line it up here.
*Dude lives at home with his parents. He’s in his 40s and lives at home. And trust me: it shows.
*He doesn’t pay a majority of his own bills. When he needs cash, he asks for help from his parents and/or his wife. Not kidding: one time I observed him ask his wife for “$40 to cover the light bill” because he was out of money. Yee, doggies. That’s personal responsibility at its finest. Yet he always seems to have money for beer.
*Dude seems to have no spine or ballsack at all. I have a vagina and yet my nuts are 100x larger than his.
*He has no tangible, relatable talent. If someone is a starving artist, OK. You have a talent. If someone is playing gigs in bars until they get signed to a record contract, OK. You have a talent. This guy doesn’t. He doesn’t seem to be proficient at anything.
*He is wishy-washy and indecisive about virtually everything. It’s very difficult for him to commit to anything except, apparently, betraying his friends.
*He tells you how you should live your life but follows none of his own advice.
*He cries a lot. Being around him makes me feel like I am on a never-ending episode of Iyanla, Fix My Life. Only his life never gets fixed. Shit, he NEEDS to go on I,FML!
I’m sorta at that place of: “OK, I will forgive you for this but I will not forget it.” (My friend, Dee, used to say, “If you fuck with my kid or my money, it’s on and there ain’t gon be no forgiveness for either one!”) It seems disingenuous to me to pretend that forgiving a person involves totally forgetting what happened or not confronting it. I have, in fact, confronted him about it and let him know that I was both disappointed and sad by his behavior. I hate that whole passive-aggressive frenemy shit of pretending like something didn’t piss you off only so you can get revenge later. Holding in your anger only leads to one giant explosion at the end and it’s not a pretty sight. Nope, I was upfront about it and told him I was pissed off. I think that’s one of the great things that has developed for me in recent times: a willingness to walk away. We so often get embroiled in “the devil you know” and find it scary to walk away from straight up bullshit.
Later when we do walk away and find that we survived, we think, “Jeez. I wish I had done that a long time ago. I let that drag on way past the point.” You have to define your boundaries and your terms and be willing to hold fast to them. If someone is a repeat offender, it’s probably time to cut him/her loose. I remember in my last relationship buying a book on verbal abuse and thinking, “The fact that I am even buying this book because I am scared and unsure should be a ginormous red flag.” And it was! I just refused to see it until I booted that asshole to the curb. No more. It goes back to that whole existential thing of getting to know myself and defining the meaning of my own life. When you allow someone else to take the driver’s seat, you have given over more control than you ever should have. So yeah. It may sound harsh and I am sure in getting the hang of this I may allow the pendulum to swing too far before I correct it to the right place. But I greatly prefer the way I feel with firm, healthy boundaries than the way I felt as a doormat or a chronic fixer. There is a great synopsis of this by Natalie at Baggage Reclaim:
“Boundaries are there, not to trap you in chains and shut people out, but to free you to enjoy a positive, healthy experience in line with your values that lets you love, live, and like with self-esteem. If your boundaries keep certain people out that’s OK – they’re supposed to. You’re not a free for all knocking shop!
If you’ve not had boundaries and surrounded yourself with people who have at best taken advantage of your lack of boundaries, and at worst, abused them, then yes, initially when you live your life with boundaries there is going to be a short-term knock on effect. It’s tough, but it’s life.
If these people resist the fact that you are not prepared to allow yourself to be abused, taken advantage of, and do anything that feels at odds with your own personal happiness, it’s because a you with boundaries doesn’t work for them.
While there is always room for compromise with any relationship (not just romantic), if you are compromising where it causes you to compromise yourself and to avoid conflict and hold on to friends, this is not healthy compromise.
Friends, like romantic partners, should not require you to be compromised so that they can be happy, whether that’s because they blatantly expect you to do it and demand it, or because you compromise yourself so you can hold on to friendships.”
That’s exactly how I feel. When he said, “Thanks for putting my welfare over your own,” that pretty much told me he wanted me to compromise my own financial well-being in order to make him happy.
Mmm, how about no.
