http://daringtolivefully.com/how-to-forgive
I thought this was an excellent article. These comments in particular are the ones I struggle with:
Condoning what the other person did.
Giving in.
Turning the other cheek.
Pretending that nothing happened or that it really wasn’t such a big deal.
Admitting that your anger isn’t justified or that you’re not entitled to it.
Forcing yourself to get along with someone who you feel may hurt you again.
Yes and yes. I hate the idea of someone "getting away with it" or the perception that you have no right to be angry with someone who has shit on you. Yes, you DO have the right to be mad. Even if all you can do in return is draw devil heads in MS Paint, so be it, LOL. Better to do that in anonymity than something truly horrendous that you can't take back. Let's face it: you get to a certain age and you have too much to lose. My friend Jon commented, "When I get road rage, I never actually do anything. I settle myself down because I don't want some asshole suing me and taking all I have." Pretty much. Some jerkwad is not worth losing your job, your freedom, your money, your good name. That's not to say it isn't tempting to imagine that, oh, I don't know . . . Perhaps KGB spies will abduct him and haul him off to Siberia . . . An angry pterodactyl will swoop down from the sky and carry him off to a volcano and accidentally drop him in lava . . . A herd of bison will trample him . . . His father, Satan, will finally return to collect his diabolical little minion and carry him off to Hades . . . The tesseract will beam him up to another galaxy and he will become a Chitauri's bitch. LOL. Oh yes, any of those scenarios would be nice. But sometimes the bad guy wins. (Temporarily.) Sometimes he gets to continue hurting people for a long time before his ways are stopped. Oy vey, I hate that. I think about Psalm 69:
Psalm 69
Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)
69 God, save me from all my troubles!
The rising water has reached my neck.
2 I have nothing to stand on.
I am sinking down, down into the mud.
I am in deep water,
and the waves are about to cover me.
3 I am getting weak from calling for help.
My throat is sore.
I have waited and looked for your help
until my eyes are hurting.
4 I have more enemies than the hairs on my head.
They hate me for no reason.
They try hard to destroy me.
My enemies tell lies about me.
They say I stole from them
and they demand that I pay for things I did not steal.
5 God, you know my faults.
I cannot hide my sins from you.
6 My Lord God All-Powerful, don’t let me embarrass your followers.
God of Israel, don’t let me bring disgrace to those who worship you.
7 My face is covered with shame.
I carry this shame for you.
8 My own brothers treat me like a stranger.
They act as if I came from a foreign land.
9 My strong devotion to your Temple is destroying me.
Those who insult you are also insulting me.
10 When I spend time crying and fasting,
they make fun of me.
11 When I wear sackcloth to show my sorrow,
they tell jokes about me.
12 They talk about me in public places.
The beer drinkers make up songs about me.
13 As for me, Lord, this is my prayer to you:
Please accept me!
God, I want you to answer me with love.
I know I can trust you to save me.
14 Pull me from the mud,
and don’t let me sink down deeper.
Save me from those who hate me.
Save me from this deep water.
You can imagine David screaming to the sky, "Just help me already! Please!" No matter how much faith we have, sometimes we all wonder when there will be justice. When will God stop someone who is causing misery, abuse, and torment? An acquaintance of mine opened up to me very surprisingly this week. He shared with me that life has been hell for him lately because his wife is drug addict. She became addicted to prescription pills and started stealing to support her habit. She got caught and went to jail for it. Now he is embarrassed, sad, angry, confused, etc. I felt so bad for him. Someone he loves has betrayed him and humiliated him-- and abandoned him. I tried to encourage him as best as I could. Selfishly, after he left, I thought, "I am not the only person who has ever been hurt. Not the first, not the last. My a-hole ex may have been doing God knows what behind my back and probably virtually nothing he told me was true. But my life has to go on. He's gone. There will be no apology, no recompense, no reconciliation. His departure is the only closure I will ever get." Does it seem like enough? No. Am I happy that God answered my prayer for mercy by never letting our paths cross again? Very much so. Part of my fairy tale dream was that someday, he would sincerely apologize; acknowledge that he mistreated me and say he was truly sorry. But that day ain't coming. As Greg Behrendt wisely observed, "Sometimes no answer is your answer and you have to get closure all by yourself." One of the nicest compliments I've gotten in recent months was this, "You've become a much stronger person since then (the break-up) and it shows." I thought that was so kind.
In spite of my kvetching, the truth is, deep down, way down in the quiet part of my soul, I really do believe that the arrogant, selfish turds of the world will get what's coming to them. Whether it happens in this life or the next and whether we get a front row seat to it or not, the scale will eventually level out. My friend, Marion, used to tell me that she no longer believed in karma or reaping what you sow. She came from a definite French existentialist perspective and had a healthy sense of life's absurdity. I disagree. I do think there are times when we search for meaning in people, places, and things where there isn't meaning-- or perhaps there isn't the meaning we desire. In my exploration of Judaism, I really liked the steadfast belief that God is in control. Nothing sneaks by Him or flies under the radar. If an event happens, it is because God was aware and allowed it. I know that makes it exceedingly difficult to understand pain and tragedy. I don't claim to have any insight on why bad things happen. I don't know of anyone who doesn't wrestle with the story of Job. I've done a lot of academic work with the Faust legend and Mephistopheles is one of my areas of expertise. I can tell you all about what he represents and what his nature is. But I have no idea why God allowed Job to suffer. I think a good deal of our personal pain comes from our own flesh and from the Devil. But in circumstances where innocent people are hurt or killed, I have no idea why it happens. We can say nature is red in tooth and claw and that the world is corrupt; therefore, terrible things are going to happen to all of us, irrespective of whether we "deserve" it. I dunno. On a much smaller level for me, I feel that my last relationship and break-up, painful though it all was, happened for a purpose. It was pain for a purpose. As I was sitting with a small group of friends on Wednesday, I looked around and thought, "I traded a boyfriend who didn't give a crap about me for a group of nice people who actually do care about me. That's a great feeling." I have gotten much better at identifying people to keep and people to cut loose. Instead of trying to "wait out" my clinical depression, I got help for it. I've learned how to knit and the grandma who's been teaching me has been very encouraging. The friends I neglected during the time I was dating Arsey are people I'm much closer to now. I'm comfortable doing things solo when I want to but I also know how to ask for help or for company when I want to. I've managed to bond with Jon's son and we had a great time nerding out about Spider Man, Batman, and Iron Man. (He thinks Iron Man showboats too much, LOL. I thought that was a pretty savvy thought for a 9 year old.) In fact, when I felt the depression cloud starting to form, I thought, "What can I do to get out of it?" And I bought some Spider Man socks and a Batman shirt for the kid. It made me feel really good and I know he'll be excited. I told my friend Brian about taking baked goods out on sales calls for Valentine's Day and how grateful people were. He said, "There are a lot of people who are happy to see you. Don't let yourself think otherwise." That was very kind of him.
Sometimes we tend to imagine that our enemies are out having a party and living the good life. In some cases, perhaps they are. Maybe they are drinking champagne and partying on a yacht somewhere. But the odds are good that they will get caught. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/bernard-madoff/4223502/Ten-top-American-fraudsters.html) One of my colleagues told me of a former brother-in-law who cheated investors out of money. He lived in a million dollar home and drove sportscars. But his empire collapsed. Today, he lives in a burned out trailer with a girlfriend who prostitutes in order to support the meth habits they have. As my colleague wisely noted, "The train wreck he made of his own life is better than any revenge anyone could have perpetrated. We all got to sit back and watch the train wreck happen. And we laugh." In a lot of cases, however, I bet that our imagination gets carried away. We twist our guts in a knot imagining that our enemies are prospering and are enjoying unlimited happiness while we suffer and struggle. It's likely not the case. Do I really think Arsey Darcy is a happy man living the high life? No. He's a sad, abusive drunk. The only way he knows how to function is with booze. He once told me he had friends who had never, ever seen him sober. Talk about a red flag. He also told me he left Chicago (the Mecca, in his mind) because of how much he was drinking and how much his health was suffering. He has trouble talking to people and making friends outside of a business context because he is arrogant, rude, judgmental, belligerent, socially inept, and devoid of compassion. I'll never forget when one of my friends described him as being so stoic and cold that it was scary. I concur. I don't bandy the term sociopath around loosely. There are very few people I have ever met that I think fit that definition but Darcy is assuredly one of them. When his father was sick and in the hospital, Darcy's comment was a nonchalant, "Yeah, he's in poor health and it's my responsibility as the oldest son to stay aware of his medical conditions. But he'll probably die soon." And he said it in the same way that you might say, "The grocery store was out of Coke so I had to buy Pepsi." I found that really disgusting and disturbing. How a person as emotional and empathic as me ever dated someone so avoidant, cruel, and detached is a sad testament to how down and desperate I was. Thank God it went no further. He has a revolving door of girlfriends because, typically, they get suckered in by the lies he tells at the beginning ("I'm just a shy nerd without a girlfriend because I'm a nice guy who gets lost in a sea of bad boys") but once they see the real Darcy, they bail.
There is no curse I could dream up and level against him that would be worse. He is doomed to be himself. No matter where he goes, there he is, and all of his lies and betrayals follow him. (Sure, he is not physically attractive and is pretty lacking in endowment, but his personality is what REALLY sucks.) If there is some small shred of conscience buried inside him, I shouldn't wonder that he drinks profusely to drown it out. I think of that scene in A Christmas Carol when Belle and her husband lament over the sad life of Scrooge as he works in his office by candlelight while Marley is dying. "Quite alone, quite alone in the world I do believe."
