I read this article today and I think “kol b’seder” needs to be my new mantra. Now that I have identified what some of my problems are, I want to figure out solutions to fix them. When you don’t know the problems, it’s tough to find solutions. It’s like attempting to solve an equation without all of the variables (to quote Tony Stark). “Cognitive distortion” sounds like such a big, scary monster but the truth is, we all have a certain amount of it lingering around our brains. I have spent too many years as a perfectionist and a worrier. I am my own worst critic. However much I may get aggravated at other people, I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else. And that just sucks. It takes too much out of your life to go from these very high highs to the very low lows. When you are bouncing between such extremes day after day, week after week, it truly takes the piss out of you. I’ve also found that when other people pick up on that trait, they can use it against you. I’ve had more than one person in my life attempt to excuse his own bad behavior by saying, “It’s all or nothing with you!” It’s as if they are saying it’s permissible for them to lie to me habitually, cheat on me, steal from me, etc., because I am a perfectionist. Homey don’t play that, LOL. It all comes back to the b word: balance. That’s what I am striving for and what I hope to accomplish in problem solving. Several months ago when I started seeing the anxiety lady, I didn’t really know what the problems were/are. Now that I have some of them ironed out, my goal is to find solutions. I don’t want to sit around and talk about the same junk over and over again or rehash every component of my childhood. In my mind, there is a difference between justifiable anger and what I call icky anger. Icky anger is where you keep banging the same old drum and all you can think about is rage, revenge, and hatred. I’m ready to release that. I’ve had my time to draw devil faces on Darcy’s pictures and to wish that the Red Skull would use a Hydra weapon on him to dematerialize him but that time is now over. I feel like I’ve had my time to sit shiva for my dead dream and wear my mourning clothes. But the mourning period has come to an end now. He’s gone and that’s great. Instead of thinking, “I hate his guts. He’s a sociopathic piece of crap and I wish God would smite him down! Lay that smite on!” It’s better for me to say, “The time for anger has come and gone. I’ve healed up and moved forward in life. There’s no room for a new person if I’m still bearing my grudge for Darcy. The relationship wasn’t a fit and it’s much easier to let go of a liar and cheater than it would be to let go of a good man. This relationship was not the Last Chance Express. What he is doing now is not my concern. Who cares.” IT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER TO SAY THAT!! This doesn’t mean that what he did to me was good or nice. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a jackass or a sociopath. All it means (to me) is that I am no longer going to waste MY precious time and energy wishing ill will upon him. Or upon myself. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve gritted my teeth and thought, “WTF, Sara. How could you fall for his crap? How could you have spent four months with that idiot? What were you thinking? How stupid.” I’m human. I made a mistake. The relationship had its bright moments but it wasn’t a fit and he wasn’t Mr. Right. I have made other mistakes and learned from them. I’m not the only human on the planet who wanted something to work so badly that red flags were ignored. I’ve learned from this mistake, too, and now it’s time to put my mind to other pursuits.
Another struggle I have is with assuming the worst or jumping to a negative conclusion. For example: my past relationships have not ultimately worked out and germinated into a marriage so none of them ever will. I may as well give up and commit myself to a convent. LOL. Now, when I say that out loud, I hear how utterly ridiculous it is. But when the Anxiety Demon says it to me, it sounds legit. I’m still muddling my way through who I am, what I want, and what my priorities are. You can’t shop for a marriage the way you hunt for a job or a house or a car. It happens when/if it’s supposed to and you meet the right person. It’s not a shopping trip or a business deal. I’m not ready to give up hope but I am also not ready to troll 24 hours either. I have a friend who is on every dating website simultaneously and seems to have no discretion or caution. That’s just not for me. I need to do my own thing and let relationships happen organically. I’m in a much better position now to understand the difference between good and bad friendships and relationships, Lord knows.
I have vacation-itis and no vacation planned, LOL. Well, I do kinda but my friend hasn’t gotten his shit together yet. I have one friend that I really want to take an amusement park trip with. He actually likes roller coasters and thrill rides, so I think that could be fun. I have another friend who wants to go to Seattle later this year. But he hasn’t gotten a budget put together and I can’t hold my breath about whether it will pan out. He may decide to go somewhere else not of interest to me or he may have an unexpected expense and the whole trip might be canceled. Time will tell. In the meantime, I am eagerly awaiting GI Joe 2, Iron Man 3, and Thor 2. I saw Die Hard this weekend. It wasn’t bad. The critics panned it but I thought it was a decent action movie. If you’re going to Die Hard for plot, cinematography, or character development, you are in the wrong damn movie anyway. I guess a bunch of kids were out for President’s Day because the theater was packed last night. There were truckloads of kids piling in for the 9pm showings and I’m like, “Dammit. Go home and go to bed, little urchins!”
