I was wired last night and again this morning. They are putting the screws to us this week and I am just not in the mood for it. Flashback to D-FENS: I’ve really had a rare morning . . .
One thing I have learned about myself is that when my attitude starts to stink up the joint, it’s time to take a day off. My friend Brian and I have always lamented about mental health days. It’s too bad that companies don’t allocate a few days each year for you to hit the escape button and have some time to decompress. We all take them anyway when we’re technically not too sick to be quarantined at home but we’re simply not in the mood to be fucked with either. I’m in that place right now. I’m just tired emotionally and physically. I’m getting to the point again where I’m starting to lift heavy, which is good but it is also tiring. I’m also lifting heavy emotionally, too, and I’m worn out. When you don’t know what the problems are or you can’t put any verbiage to them, it’s pretty difficult to find solutions. It feels like grasping for straws in the dark: maybe you’ll happenstance your way to the right thing but maybe you won’t. I’ve made some excellent progress over the past few months and it means something to me that I finally reached a point where I wanted to stop doing the same old patterns I have for years.
I read this article and felt a strong resonance with it. I’m a Sun Sign Sag, Lunar Libra. Talk about hardwired for fairness! I feel a strong, innate sense of wanting things to be just, wanting to see affirmations that God really is in control of this crazy, chaotic world. Sometimes—many times—we don’t get that. (Walk by faith, not by sight.) If I’m watching a comic book movie, 9 times out of 10, I’m enchanted by the villain. When my friend, Jon, and I went to Dave & Buster’s, I got a Dr. Doom doll and a Magneto doll and he goes, “Someone likes the bad boys.” LOL. I can’t wait to see how Cobra Commander has changed in GI Joe: Retaliation. We all know that I swoon over Loki. But in real life, I don’t want the bad guy to win. I want the bad guy to get punished and to not be able to strut around hurting people and acting like a shithead with no consequences. But I don’t get that kind of control in this life and neither does anyone else. I don’t get to sit up on a throne and dictate who experiences what and who is allowed to do what. One of Jon’s sons is gluten-free due to Celiac’s and one is not. So he’s getting a variety of lessons in “life is not fair because my brother gets to eat rolls and cookies and I can’t.” Jon said, “He needs to know life is not fair. Each of them has advantages and disadvantages.” And that is true. It never gets easier though and when we get older the scenarios just seem to get tougher to navigate. It's odd to think about starting at Square 1 in one's 30s. But that's where I'm at. I am not my brain. And thank God for that. I'm slowly trying to reframe negative thoughts and break negative habits. Instead of assuming the worst and expecting misery, I want to go with the flow. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/use-your-mind-change-your-brain/201106/you-are-not-your-brain) I feel like it has taken too much out of my life to listen to statistics and fear-mongering. Since I have drastically reduced my consumption of news and tabloid shows, I don't encounter as much gloom. I don't feel like I start my day off in a bad mood after hearing about epidemics, murder, robberies, etc. There are other ways to find out about weather and traffic!
