Wait a minute. What??

Ah, yes. Trouble in paradise. This is why so many people would rather be single than fuck with it, LOL.

So I have this discussion yesterday with Arsey Darcy that absolutely blows my effing mind. He tells me that he's afraid I am "head over heels in love with him" and that if I "need him to be upside down in love" he's not sure he's there yet. I wish there had been a camera on my face. Because I am sure my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. I'm lookin around like, "Is Ashton going to show up and tell me I am getting Punk'd right now? WTF?" And I'm like, "So because I am warm and affectionate and I don't play head games with you or treat you like dog shit that automatically means I'm in love with you and ready to dive in headfirst? Not hardly. If love is Mile 26 of the marathon, we're only on like Mile 2."

I dunno. Once I got over the complete shock of it all, I got mad. I mean like Hulk smash, wanna put my fist through a wall, pissed the fuck off mad. In the words of Peter Griffin, who do you think you ahh and where do you get off? YOU DON'T KNOW ME, MOTHERFUCKER. Period. End of deposition. You don't have any idea how I act when I'm in love and you don't have any right to make any assumptions of any kind about who I am, how I feel, what I think, how my thought process works, etc. For some people, a connection is fast and for others, it takes time. Some people are so similar in nature that explanations are not frequently required. (See all my blogs about Trump and the baseline level of understanding.) For others, that understanding comes over the course of time and observation. It is what it is. My friend, Kevin, and I have had rocky patches in our friendship and it's not always been easy. But I would say we have more in common now than we have ever had and we've been able to talk candidly with each other about our anxieties, experiences, relationships, etc., in ways that we haven't before. And as a result, it's made our friendship closer and has amplified our understanding of one another. Even though we are far from being carbon copies of each other, I feel a comfort level in knowing that, at least in some ways, he gets me. Message to Arsey Darcy: that's how it fucking works, moron. You don't assume to know what's going on in my head. You ask.



I'm as mad at myself as I am at him. And that's probably where most of the Hulk smash rage is coming from. When you get angry or disappointed with yourself, it's sometimes worse than when you feel those things towards someone else. It can be harder to forgive ourselves and be gentle to ourselves than to someone else. And that sucks when it happens. When I step back and look at this objectively and logically, I can see that I have a) over-invested and b) been at least a little kinder to him than he's been to me. Not saying he's been bad or horrible. I've been wrestling throughout the day with the thought of ripping the Band-Aid off, honestly. But I know that once I do something final, it's done. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of the Rubicon dipping a toe in, but not ready to cross it yet. There's no going back and once you say, "Hey, creepazoid. Lose my number." You can't call 2 days later and say, "Sorry. I had a panic attack and bailed. Wanna go out for pizza on Friday?" LOL. It's important to get composure and control over your emotions before you charge in like an angry bull. (Sure, dumping someone quickly takes away the anxiety but it also can be an act of sabotage if you feel like you'd rather take the easy way out than explore how you truly feel.) Likewise, I need to get some composure, perspective, and control over this in general. Two months of dating is simply not enough to feel clued in on what's going on or where things will be a year from now. It's just not. And his assumption of how I felt about him really drove that point home for me. He made a couple of comments early on about how he'd been blindsided in relationships before and had girlfriends who left him with no warning. So I think in an effort to show him that I'm not a flake or a tramp and in an effort to ease his anxiousness and shyness, I've allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the wrong direction, i.e. I've put too much effort into all this. Emotionally and physically. Now, instead of him feeling comfortable and relaxed in a good way, he's lazy and presumptive and I feel taken for granted. Not good. And, unlike a lot of women, I'm not going to just accept it. I've lived 31.75 years on planet earth without him and I can certainly dust myself off and go the hell on. (Insert Antoine Dodson here saying, "We just dust ourselves off and keep moving." WORD.) I just don't like it or appreciate it when someone tries to pontificate to me what I should or should not do like Lord and Master or when someone presumes to know the inner workings of my thoughts. I would say my former BFF and I had probably been tight for 4 or 5 years before she'd reached the point of being able to predict my responses to things really well. So for someone who's dated me for 8 weeks to assume that he knows I am in love with him or planning out a future with him is extreme bullshit to me. (As Kevin and I like to say, "If you tell me that I cannot sing like Michael McDonald, then you, sir, are a liar.")

We have a few pre-planned things going on in the future, which is fine. But outside of those things, I'm not putting myself out there. If he wants to spend time with me, he knows where to find me. I don't want to be someone he dates when it's convenient or when the mood strikes him. It doesn't seem like he wants this very much or, if he does, it seems like he has so much emotional fucktardation that he is going about it the wrong way. It may be that we're simply not a good match (and I need to finally move in at Cowell Manor, LOL) or it may be that he's not going to be a good boyfriend to any woman and that's why he keeps getting dumped. I mean, c'mon.

So yeah. Charlotte is going to take a backseat for a while. It's time to let Samantha come back. I absolutely love it when she tells Richard, "I love you, but I love me more." Here, here! I kinda like Darcy. But I love me.