I wanna karaoke for Simon!

LG, life is good.

I still have vacation-itis, since I am waiting to travel again.* The closer things get, the more it’s a combo of “I can’t wait” along with “Holy crap, I need to start packing my bags.” I can’t believe it’s already 10/1. Normally, I have the Green Day sentiment of “wake me up when September ends.” The season of Virgo is not one I necessarily relish. But this was a good month. Made some money at work, closed some deals, had some fun. Darcy cooked for me two weekends ago and I returned the favor for him this past Saturday. We spent Sunday morning just talking for hours. It was nice. It’s enjoyable to learn about someone else’s ideas and preferences and share things. That’s something that’s been absent from my life in a romantic sense for a while. Part of what caused the rift between myself and my BFF was the feeling I had that she was tuned out. I felt like the stereotypical neglected wife. I’d be talking or texting and it was like I may as well have been talking to the air 80% of the time. If I had been a shitty friend or had never done anything positive for her, I could understand but that simply was not the case. But the aftermath gave me the chance to evaluate my own tendencies to over-invest and, frankly, to do too much for people who have not earned it. I tend to put myself into imbalanced dynamics and overcompensate. That’s all my crap to deal with. I think part of it is human nature. When we see something drifting away we are sometimes overcome with the impulse to scramble frantically to get it back, even if we know that will only make it worse. As much as I love to cook, I wouldn’t have done that for Darcy without him doing it first. Pulling out the Betty Crocker stops for a man is something that can either scare him off or make him think he’s lord of the mountain, LOL. Neither of those do I want.  As much as it sucks, sometimes it is for the better to ease back and give the other person some space. I think the vay-cay is a good chance for me do other things with other people and let him miss me. A little absence can go a long way. Not that I feel we need it because anything is wrong; I just think it’s beneficial for all parties involved. My friend, Brian, and I are a lot alike in how we approach relationships. And it’s been good for me to have him in my life because we help each other and we can keep each other honest about things. It’s good to have someone around to keep you accountable and say, “Hey, I can recognize what you’re doing here or how you’re feeling right now because I’ve already been there before myself.” He and I have both struggled with figuring out a balance: how much is too much and how little is too little? I had a boyfriend once who thought it was acceptable for us to spend five minutes on the phone setting up a date, go out for five hours on a Friday or Saturday night, and then no contact. Yeah. Not appealing to me. That little is too little in a relationship. There’s virtually no investment there. But spending every waking moment together is too much. Had a boyfriend a few years ago who smothered me. He came on strong and insisted upon exclusivity almost immediately. At the time, I knew it felt rushed but I didn’t understand just how disordered it was. Talk about a mindfuck. And of course, it did not end well. It was like neither one of us exercised any sort of self-control, self-denial, or restraint. We just threw ourselves in headfirst and that was a mistake. It’s easier for me to err on the side of too much than too little, which is why it’s healthy for me to have people in my life who can temper me down. I always thought that “Breadheads” skit by T&E was hilarious. Because there they are on a parking lot talking about wanting to abandon their children and be love slaves to Bread Harrity. LOL. Whenever I would meet someone famous I would always tell my friend, “Whatever else happens, I don’t want to be a Breadhead.” And thankfully, I never have been. But nobody wants to be a Breadhead in their everyday personal life either. That was sort of how the smothering relationship played out. It burned hot and fast and then ended abruptly and miserably after about four months. And it took me every bit that long to recover from what had happened. But I learned some valuable lessons from it and, above all things, it proved to me that I could survive. I finished the Harold Kushner book Overcoming Fear this weekend and It was a great read. He doesn’t sugarcoat things and tell you that you will never experience pain or heartbreak. He mostly focuses on conveying the message that when you do, you are resilient enough to survive it and move on with life. That’s about the best anyone can promise us in this life. Life is so fragile and can turn on a dime. Darcy could call me up tonight and say, “Hey this has been fun but I’m done here.” Or “I’m taking a job transfer to Middle Earth.” Who knows. I would be sad if that happened. I would cry, I’m sure. But it wouldn’t kill me. That much I know to be a fact. I would mourn, I’d probably get mad and break a few things in the privacy of my own home, but I would not die. I would not be defeated from it. I dunno. It’s sort of like once you turn that corner in your mind, it’s easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.



*I told Kevin when he fetches me from the airport he needs to hold up a chauffeur sign that says Loki Laufeyson. Best. Pic. To. Start. A. Vacation. Ever.