Subtitle: Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out.
Well, kids. Vacation did not go as planned. It was cut short and I came home. NYC is an amazing city, no doubt about it. I was able to have another spectacular dinner at Delmonico’s and to buy a Bull on Bowling Green for my boyfriend (who is both a Taurus and a model of the Ferdinand the Bull story). Other than that . . . it just didn’t work out. I don’t want to get into the whys and wherefores here. But it did not pan out as planned. I never even made it to Comic Con. I’m sad about it, don’t get me wrong. But here’s the deal: I’m crazy about Arsey Darcy. Flat-out, straight-up, point-blank. I just am. It took us some time to get through the awkward stops and starts and it took some time for him to get comfortable enough to knock his wall down enough for me to get in. I’ve had issues with the Anxiety Demon telling me to panic and run. I’ve had to do battle with myself on figuring out where the comfort level is. And I think that’s one of my struggles. Because I am both impatient and doing battle with the Anxiety Demon, it can be tough for me to figure out what is just right and just enough. My friend CJ is always telling me to go with the flow. Let it happen. If you wanna see him, see him. If you don’t, don’t. Don’t force anything and just let it occur as it will. Being a Type A person, that’s tough. But there’s a deep feeling there. A genuine affection. I would not tell him this at such an early stage of the game but can I imagine a future here? Yes. Am I certain we’ll end up married someday? No. Do I think it’s possible? Yes. Do I feel a kernel of love forming? Yes. (I’m referring to it as a small poppyseed of love, LOL.) I told my dad I had been trying not to freak out and trying to temper my reactions to things. And he said, “But is that really who you are? For this to work, you have to be who you are. And if you’re in a particular situation and you feel the need to freak out, then you should be genuine to who you are. Because otherwise, he’s not seeing the real you.” I thought about it and was like, “Yeah. Actually. That’s true.” My response initially when he said that was, “I’m scared to completely be myself because who I am is fucked up.” And he said, “We all are. It’s called being human.” Well said. Sometimes it is hard to ask for what you want or need from another person. There are certain things that I have zero shyness about and that simply do not bother me. It’s not a problem for me to be romantic or intimate. But asking for someone to console you after a disaster or humiliation or asking to spend more time with him/her can be fear-inducing. Because if that person says “no,” you’re not only left without your needs met, you’re left feeling more humiliated. And that sucks. To ask someone for an emotional need and be rejected is horrible. It’s no wonder why we do whatever we can to avoid such things. But in the end, if you don’t speak up and advocate for yourself, you get further down the road and discover that you resent the other person for not giving you what you need. Meanwhile, s/he probably wasn’t even aware of what had happened. I had to step up and take some risks this weekend. There was no one else I wanted. I have a great group of friends and family. No doubt about that and I would never want to minimize how important they are to me or how good they’ve been to me. But the BF/GF thing is different. It just is. It’s a level of comforting that you (hopefully) are not getting from just any random person out on street or any particular friend or family member. Your parents and your besties can tell you all day, “Everything is alright. You got this,” but hearing it from someone who knows you intimately is much different. I think it’s very interesting that the Biblical terminology is knowing someone. That level of intimate contact fosters a bond with someone and when you want that particular person, no one else is gonna do it for you. If the whole botched NYC vacation was nothing more than part of my hishtadlus to figure out how I feel about Arsey Darcy and to further realize how different he is, it was time and money well-spent. I don’t want to touch on another guy. I don’t want to get in bed with another guy, either for sex or for close physical proximity. Absolutely not. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are. If I'm going to snuggle up to someone, it's going to be him. Period.
