Tales of the Wally

Subtitle: Peeps I Done Seen at the Wal-Mart
(How’s that for giving you the authentic flavor?)

As I was loading a 40 lb set of weights into the cart, the two (not one, but TWO) sporting goods section attendants (both male, by the way) made no attempt to even ask if I wanted help. It’s as if they said, “Oh yeah, she’s got it, why bother.” Upon reflection I thought, “Even though they are male, I am probably more physically capable than they are because I am sure they have led some craptastic lives in terms of health and fitness.”

A dude who looked like a regular-sized version of Herve Villechaize stood up my colon in the checkout line

Surprisingly, the checker who’s normally there when I buy health/fitness stuff was not. I was mildly relieved.

I went in a different entrance this time because there is a man in the garden center who looks like Rex Harrison in The Ghost and Mrs. Muir who hits on me every single time I go in or out that way. It does not matter if I try to be in stealth mode and it does not matter if I walk quickly. He will always find me.

A dude filling up an entire cart full of chocolate candies and gum

An old, old, old woman with a cart that contained one sack of Purina dog chow who could not get the cart started without the cashier assisting her. Granted, she did appear to be 100+ years of age but I have the sneaking suspicion that in reality, she’s probably only 65 and has just not taken good care of herself. At all.

A female-to-male tranny looking at spandex workout pants

A rogue Mart Cart that had been abandoned by the underwear aisle and was beeping incessantly

A ginger woman who was walking from one basketball to another squeezing them like the “don’t squeeze the Charmin” commercial

A woman with a loud kid in the cart who was way the hell too old to be in a cart like a baby looking at exercise DVDs until the loud son almost pulled over an entire display of golf balls

A dude standing in the candle/smell-goods aisle spraying every single bottle of deodorizer. It smelled like a Merry Maids office had exploded.

An elderly couple having an argument down the bread aisle

An old man whose cart was full of Diet Rite sodas, frozen shrimp, and tennis balls . . . you be the judge on that situation . . .

A woman in her pajamas who kept trying to give her son, Tanner, time-outs in the craft aisle

Lines out the asshole at the pharmacy

A man who looked exactly like Dale from King of the Hill pulling a palette of stuff through the store and sweating like he was about to fall over dead

A man who was running (and I mean running like a sprinter) through all parts of the store with a janky bouquet of fake flowers. He was wearing jeans with oil stains and a white undershirt with rips all over it. Again, you be the judge on that situation . . .