If you are the trashcan emptier man at Quiktrip, do not dart out in front of traffic. People at Quiktrip are not playing. You will get run over and no one will feel sorry for you.
Also, if you want to socialize at Quiktrip with a friend, please do not choose to do so in front of the ONE UNOCCUPIED GAS PUMP in the whole mothertrucking station. I will mow you down and not even lose sleep over it.
If you ever irritate the muscles that run along your riblets (the intercostals, I think), prepare for every move and every breath to be an aggravation to your day.
It’s maybe not the best idea if you work at a car wash to stand outside on the parking lot scratching your junk as you attempt to wave cars into the lot. Who wants a car to be detailed by a guy who’s going to put more germs in than he takes out?
If you tell a man you hate him and want him out of your life permanently, he will return to you constantly like a bad penny.
Ravens like graham crackers. I learned this because I put out some stale graham crackers that someone else bought and never used. Next day I find not a crow but a raven eating them. So I guess if you ever need to bribe the death angel, stale graham crackers might be a good starting point.
There are times when the words of DMX are more scholarly than people know. He may be sick of people whining over shit that don’t belong to them and ruining it for those who stay real; I’m tired of assholes selling out and ruining it for those who stay real. It is what it is. I think it feeds into this notion that men are objects to be caught by wily women who can outsmart their bachelor impulses and women are shrews to be tamed by wily men who can withstand their petulant disposition. You would think in the year 2010 we’d be past all that by now. DMX is like the Socrates of this situation and, as I have said of TI before, he says things that I want to but can’t . . . You’re wack, you’re twisted, your girl’s a ho, you’ll end up broke, the kids won’t be yours and everybody knows . . .
I was reading an old school bodybuilding book the other night and this dude was talking about bodybuilding nutrition from the 40s and 50s and it was pretty funny. He discussed a man whose breakfast consisted of three dozen eggs, snacks of two gallons of milk, and lunches of steak, multiple chicken breasts, a carton of cottage cheese and a quart of ice cream. God only knows what dinner was. Perhaps an entire ox followed by a brick of cheese. It reminded me of the time when this chick I used to know decided to do the “caveman diet” and she ate an entire sack of pistachio nuts in the movie theater. How can it be healthy to be sedentary and eat a 2 pound bag of pistachio nuts? With the bodybuilder dude, yeah, it sounds reckless as hell to consume that much food but at least you could conceivably make the argument that he was going to use all the calories and protein in his 8 hour workout bender. I mean, some of the Olympic athletes will eat 3000 to 4000 calories per day when they are training. Nevertheless, it’s crazy to picture someone having the meat and dairy festival on a daily basis. It makes me think of that episode of The Simpsons where Homer goes to the all-you-can-eat buffet and they are unable to give him all he could eat.
I’m ready for warmer weather and I’m actually ready to get outside and do yard work. Having said that, I am still in shock that a tornado touched down in Oklahoma yesterday. It seems awfully early in the year for that crap to get started. It’s technically still winter.
A news story appropriate for the day on MSN:
I kinda feel like this story is a little less biased against Sting since it brings up the accusation that Simon rigged X Factor:
Now let me mention several things here. First of all, I have a bodhisattva and his name is Sting. It's been that way ever since I was a teenager and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I don't necessarily agree with everything the man has ever said or done but his music has had a positive influence on me and has encouraged me at many points to be better, to do better and to learn more. Not everyone likes his music and they're entitled to that opinion, of course. One of the things that really draws me to Sting's music is that he has a core belief that no matter what, love is the most powerful force in the world. Surely that is part of why I have done so much work with the Faust legend and why I love Murnau's film adaptation: nothing is more redemptive than love. When Sting was in Barbados, he heard the story from surfers that every wave builds stronger and stronger to the seventh wave. Hence he wrote "Love is the Seventh Wave," which is one of my favorite songs and I think one of the truest songs ever written. Period. If love wasn't the seventh wave, how could anyone get out of bed in the morning? That doesn't just mean romantic love but all kinds of altruistic, selfless love. Secondly, I have sat in the audience of America's Got Talent so I feel like I have an idea of how the TV magic game is played. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is as spontaneous as it seems to be on television. It is sooooo pre-planned. They made us, sitting in Redondo Beach, pretend to be in Chicago. Not even our damn location was genuine. We X-ed almost the entire barrage of crappy contestants that showed up even to the point of a Mexican woman in front of us turning around to say, "You are X-ing too much." So yeah, when Sting says that talentless people are being exploited, he is damn right. The other side of the coin is that they knowingly sign up for humiliation. These "reality" show contests have been around long enough now that people know what they are signing up for when they go on and you can't feel sorry for them. If you don't want to be mocked, don't go on a show like that. Who knows if the flip side is any better-- Susan Boyle was given a shitload of positive media attention and every other day you see an article online about how she cannot cope with the fame. All that's left now is for Simon to randomly insult Roger Moore, my idol, to really cement the fact that I think he sucks the big one.
At least the universe has my back:
