Class

A week or so back, I had to go to this school for three days. To protect the innocent (or perhaps the guilty), I will not name names or go into the reasons why I went. Suffice it to say, it was a thing for work and, although I did learn a lot, the class had some oddities. Rather than weaving this into a cohesive tale, which would take forever, I will simply transcribe the observations I wrote down. You may identify with some of these if you too have ever been sent to a class on a work-related function.

Wednesday, Day 1

* Building is awkward as ass, laid out in a way that makes no goddamned sense at all. Building is old, dilapidated, in a questionable area of town, looks like it has not been updated since late 70s or early 80s. Has sleazy motel art on walls.

* Clock in the class is 5 minutes fast.

* When I walked into the class, no one spoke. It was impossible to determine who was the teacher and who was the student.

* Bathroom was dank, scary and looks like a scene from a horror movie and/or a gross motel room.

* Woman at the front acted like my getting lost inside the building was a matter to discuss with the NSA.

* Other student looks about like a popular car salesman and is wearing an old school 3-piece suit that looks like he is an extra in a 1980s movie with a scene at the yacht club. Makes it clear that he is holed up on his company's dime at the motel within walking distance. Also remembers my name even though I brain-dumped his 10 seconds after the introductions.

* No introductions were made to the teacher. Still don't know the teacher's name and the class is 1/6th of the way over.

* Taco Bell I ate at for lunch was full of freaks and starers. We had wolfmen, loud gay guys cheering themselves on, construction workers, a Kevin Smith lookalike, gangsters, random yuppie couple, and a dude who stared at me to the point of food falling out of his gaping maw. He looked like the guy who played Owen in Planes, Trains and Automobiles and someone who could have been in Sling Blade.

* Man in wheelchair is fighting the automated door to the building.

* The teacher looks like if you put a blonde Walt Disney in a blender with Ed Begley, Jr., my ex the Devil (who looked like a cracked out Matthew Modine) and one of my college history professors. Unsure if he is a smoker.

* At the end of Day 1, the other student, who I nicknamed BC wannabe (Bill Clinton wannabe) gets up and runs as though he is hot beyond hot on my heels. I escape him by running into the bathroom. I hear him yelling at me to have safe trip home, again addressing me by name.

* Traffic was a royal SOB on the way home. It added at least an extra 15 minutes of just idling to my already long-ass commute home.

Thursday, Day 2

* We are under a winter weather watch and I am stuck in a tiny-ass bunker cut off from civilization at the worst possible time. This aggravates me.

* Still do not know the instructor's name and the class is now halfway completed.

* Feel like I have a severe assache and seat sores from super-prolonged sitting.

* BC wannabe is still entirely too genial to be sincere.

* Bathroom is still dirty, dank, stinky as hell and creepy.

* Instructor has agitating habit of running long-- hey, asshole, I ain't getting OT for you to talk 10 minutes past time everyday. Silence!

* Secretary made an odd point to come in and greet me personally.

* BC is still wearing a 3-piece suit from the 80s for no clear reason.

* Instructor spilled coffee out of mouth and all over himself.

* Classroom is either freezing-ass cold or burning-ass hot.

* I believe I yawned at least 30 times in the first hour. I had to be averaging a yawn every 2 minutes at minimum.

* Instructor likes to talk A LOT.

* It is halfway point of Day 2 and I am sleepy as hell. Wish I could be at home under a stack of blankets.

* At the end of Day 2, BC wannabe still attempted to follow me out.

* Snowstorm was still in the forecast and everyone was on edge.

* I ate my sack lunch in the parking lot at Walgreen's to avoid being stared at again or spending money on bullshit I didn't actually need.

Friday, Day 3

*Exhausted , antsy for the day to be over, have backache and assache from Hell.

* Laughing about all the commentary from BC wannabe that he likes to "drink, smoke cee-gars, gamble and chase women."And yes, ladies, he's married.

* Instructor barely gave us time in the morning to piss.

* Ran loooooong into lunch and I was so hungry I could feel myself starting to pass out.

* Ate a Peter Griffin sized feast at Sonic. Ordered food twice I was so starved.

* Confirmation that instructor is a smoker. He stinks, has deformed teeth and reeks of cig smoke up close.

* Instructor burps and farts LOUDLY at will. At one point, he bent over to look at something on a computer monitor and it sounded like a gunshot from his ass.

* Instructor waited til 5pm to pass out class evaluations when we were both tired and ready to leave.

* Did not learn teacher's name until the very end of the class.

* Teacher gave me a limp noodle handshake.

* Ran abruptly from teacher and BC wannabe at the end.