I know that what I am going to say will sound mean, acerbic, cruel and childish. But be real: what I am going to say is something we have all thought at one point or another, male or female, gay or straight, it doesn't matter. Ahem. *Sara clears throat righteously* When you see the current squeeze of an ex-lover and that person looks broke as a damn joke, it makes you feel really great. Likewise, if you see the ex and the squeeze and they BOTH look broke, it makes you feel really, really great. So I stumbled upon this photo by accident and I truly believe the stars aligned in just the right way so that I could see this image. I was goofing around on myspace, center of the known universe in the 2000s, and I saw a family photo. Oh wow. I was wholly unprepared. It was one of my ex-boyfriends and his family, including his wife. Obviously, I cannot post the photo for you but I can describe to you, through the eyes of this poet, what I beheld. I have been told I have a gift for descriptions and was even called "the queen of metaphors." Let's hope that is true.
My ex now looks like a crumpled up, hella pale truck driver with a little bit of a heroin-addicted Dale Jr thrown in. Not like the normal Dale Jr, but like a version that has been battling an on-and-off addiction to either heroin or ketamine. In fairness, I can't determine if he has put on weight or if his clothing is so baggy that it looks like he's packed on a good 40 lbs. It also strikes me that he was supposed to have been dressed up in this photo but still has yet to learn how to clothe himself like an adult. This is how you rock a family photo Saville Row style:
You don't rock the fam photo like you just drove a big rig for the last 18 hours. And why does my ex now look like he has a huge, lumpy potato head? WTF? He is in an odd, bent over position with his brother behind him and they look like if they were any closer, they would be having anal intercourse. Weeeeeiiiiiiirrrrrddd.
Now for the piece de resistance: the large wife. The wife is taller than most of the men in the photograph. But please, fair reader, do not assume she is a leggy supermodel. Tall does not automatically equal Gisele. Mmmkay. Think tall like a sasquatch. Her eyes are turned downward so severely that you might think she was special needs if you did not know that she is not special needs. She is flat chested. She is wearing the mommy uniform: lumpy, un-colorful sweater with mom jeans (think Tina Fey's mom jeans skit from SNL) and pitiful, out-of-date makeup. Her cocoa eye shadow is only serving to make her skin more sallow and her eyes' downward turn more pronounced. She is wearing the kind of loud, fuscia lipstick that older women who sell Mary Kay smear all over their lips. Lest you think I am being entirely too Tim Gunn for my britches, I will say that one girl in the photo who I would assume to be my ex's sister-in-law is beautiful. I mean, pretty enough to be a model. So I ain't hatin' on everyone. Seriously though: if you saw this photo, you would assume it was my ex next to a transsexual. No wonder he looks vaguely scared and out of sorts. I also notice from the body language that it looks like she is about to squeeze his arm and hand off and she has a look on her face like, "And what?" Only it is so not deserved. Like this is the face she thinks she has and this is the expression she is trying to give:
She thinks she is sooooper fierce like Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model. Instead, this is closer to the truth:
An elderly Bela Lugosi in the final days.
If I woke up in their bed, I would gnaw my arm off like the old joke about someone being coyote ugly.
Ok, ok, I know I've more than met my bitch quotient for the day. But hey: you know you've looked at some photos of exes before and thought the same kind of shit!
