This is one of those blah kind of days. It’s rainy and gray here. A day when it would have been easy to stay in bed and hibernate under an electric blanket.
I’m trying to get my footing on realistic goals and dreams versus “grass is greener” thinking or fairy tale wishful thinking. When you place a lot of stock in external factors, you set yourself up for disaster if those things fall apart—and they will. I was reading a copy of LHJ yesterday while I was getting the oil change. It featured an article called “Eat, Bray, Love” that was so cool. (www.lhj.com/relationships/divorce/single-parenting/eat-bray-love/) A woman’s marriage ended but she didn’t allow that to drive her to abject misery. I loved the part where she says, “ . . . how to make God laugh? Just say, ‘I have a plan.’” That is so very true. I’ve struggled a lot with my job situation, which is to say nothing of my struggles in the romance department. Frankly, I am still charred ash from the last break-up and the thought of diving head-first into another relationship makes me want to puke. My friend P said she was looking for a man with a golden dick and balls, LOL. I said, “I would prefer a golden personality at this point.” I’m basically in a job that is much better suited to an extrovert. It’s not that an introvert can’t thrive; I think it just takes more out of us to do all of the socializing bullshit. Plus I feel like in order to get to the cheese, you have to dance your way through a lot of pain-in-the-ass mousetraps. That’s how it is in CorporaPe America, period though. It’s a difficult, delicate balance for me to determine if a burnout is temporary and can be overcome or if it’s a more lingering indicator that it is time to move on. Sometimes you get a very clear sign (a layoff, a major shake-up, a pay cut, etc.) but sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you have that faint malaise that might be cured by simply taking a few days off and doing something fun or it might require a bigger change. Time will tell. Most of days, I can psyche myself up in the morning. But on these gray, dreary mornings, it’s a bit harder to get the momentum revved up. Yesterday, they were breathing down our necks to the point where I thought some dudes from a military junta might bust in with machine guns and machetes. Bloody hell. Calm it down about five notches, please.
I guess I’m not sure what the ultimate answer is. I think about that episode of Frasier where he wandered the streets of Seattle contemplating Niles’ marriage, LOL. The issue of whether the money is commensurate with the amount of BS is actually secondary in my mind. The thing that really gnaws at me is the lack of cultural fit. I’m not a total hermit crab; a little socializing is fine and I most certainly have a healthy sense of humor. But forced socialization is something that I have never, ever enjoyed. I don’t want to go to happy hour. I don’t want to go to someone’s house or pool party. I don’t want to go to a charity walk or a fundraiser with all of my colleagues. I’ll donate money to support the cause but climbing into a sea of 1000s of people? Nah. Doing hours of steady state cardio to ravage my muscle gains? No, thanks. And the part that galls me is that I shouldn’t have to. There’s no part of my job performance that is or should be contingent upon social bullcrap. This is junk they dream up for us to do as a control / publicity maneuver. In fact, we have a PR lady on staff and she makes me want to slit my wrists. First of all, there is no justifiable reason for us to have a PR person anyway. Also:
*She is an arrogant attention whore. I suppose that does fit in well with her job, but it makes me want to vomit.
*She dresses in clothing that barely covers her butt most days and I am shocked it’s tolerated.
*She reminds me of SJP in the sense that her body is good but her face is warped and horse-like. There is an equine factor in her genetic composition.
*She has an annoying voice. It’s similar to Fran Drescher or Lois Griffin. Whenever she struts up and says, “Can you do this for me, pleeeeease?” I want to punch her in her abnormally long nose.
*Her ability to put together events that make any logical sense is lacking. Our fucktard Xmas party (featuring paint by numbers sets, oy vey) is a classic example. It’s really not a wonder that I wanted to down a bottle of Darvocet and go toward the light!
I have a feeling similar to what I felt when I left social work. My friend Faith always referred to it as “compassion fatigue”; you get to that point where you’ve seen and heard it all and you don’t care anymore. I think that’s another part of my problem. Working with people is exhausting. They lie. They cheat. They act rude and selfish. None of that is going to change regardless of the company I’m at. Usually when I get in one of these burnout funks I stop and look at the positives.
The work commute is not terrible.
It’s not as micro-managed as some other similar firms in town.
Whenever you’re not physically in the office, you have a fairly large amount of autonomy.
I never have to rush back from lunch or punch a clock.
I like the opportunities to be social with people I actually want to see at lunch.
It’s nice when you work with someone who is actually grateful for your efforts.
By and large, no one is a time nazi. There are rarely occasions when anyone acts pissy about when people arrive or leave.
I’ve gotten better at balancing my time. My job is one you could do 24 hours if you wanted to, but I do not let myself get entrenched like that.
So we’ll see what’s yet to come. Nothing has panned out that I really feel is better. That may change, who knows. But for the time being, I don’t have anything on the table that I think would be an improvement. As I’ve said, sometimes, the grass is not greener.
The Target I went to today actually had some IM3 stuff out. (Finally.) I bought the Cold Snap Iron Man because I thought it looked cool. And because I am curious about how outer space might figure into the plot of the movie. I remember going to see The Avengers and being so excited that I thought, “I hope to God this lives up to the hype. Or we will be in for 2+ hours of disappointment.” And it did live up to the hype. Loki’s “mewling quim” speech alone was worth the price of a ticket. I thought a $6 Iron Man was a good way to cheer myself up from the work funk.
