Pass

I was waxing philosophical this morning about the new interconnectedness of the world. Are we really meant to be in contact with so many people? Before the social butterflies of the world scream a resounding “yes,” think about it. Not everyone who appears in your life is a good person with whom you are compatible. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. Not everyone actually is who s/he says. I know people who say they could not live without Facebook and they believe signs, wonders, and miracles stem from such a site. Not me. Perhaps my luck with social networking has been different, but my experiences have generally not been so positive. Seems like my freak magnet gets, well, magnified over the web and I wind up with a collection of crazy MFers. Weirdos, creeps, degenerates, liars, frauds, perverts, etc. I have a couple of acquaintances who are serial online daters. The guy has never once had any type of relationship from his obsessive surfing while the woman has been through one bad relationship after another. One of her boyfriends actually dumped her via a Dear John letter . . . after he moved out of the country and confessed his love for another woman! My heart broke for her when that happened because she genuinely loved this guy and was blindsided when he left for Europe and dumped her in a letter. Oy vey.

Some relationships are only meant to be what they are and nothing more. Sometimes you really are just meant to be an email or texting buddy and that’s it. No in-person visits, no dating, no deep-seated connection. Invariably, in my case, when it gets pushed in that direction, that’s when the wheels come off the car. I mean, fly off and careen into destruction, LOL. But it’s like that demotivational poster: the one thing all of your failed relationships has in common is you. Harsh, but it makes a valid point, n'est-ce pas? One of my shortcomings is getting caught up in the razzle-dazzle instead of keeping my feet on the ground in a practical way. The dog-and-pony show mess works when you want to believe in something so badly that you ignore all gut instincts telling you, “Oh f*ck no.” I had a situation like that today. I was in an environment that instantly made me say, “Oooh. I don’t think so.” I sat there going through a range of emotions, wanting it to click but it didn’t. It reminded me of the time that I was dating this guy and I went to his place for the first time. He worked from home as some kind of IT guru and his “home office” was also his man cave. He was a heavy smoker who thought he could eliminate the tobacco smell from his home by opening a window and blowing the smoke out. Sorry, it didn’t work. Anyway, I just recall as he was giving me the house tour that when he showed me the home office/man cave, it was in a lower, recessed area. My foot hit one step down, I looked at the room and smelled the room, and backed out. My inner horse said, “Bolt out of this room. You don’t want to go down here.” And I didn’t go down there! That was the type of experience I had today. Sometimes when you step into a room or a building, you get a sense from it. Simple choices in décor and furniture can make a difference and that’s one reason why realtors are so fussy about how your home looks when it’s on the market. To make a long story short, I went to have a discussion about perhaps going to a different company. But it wasn’t what I hoped it was going to be. There wasn’t any razzle-dazzle, which was good and was a welcome relief. But it wasn’t exactly what I had imagined it to be either. Instead of “pay no attention to that man behind the curtain,” it was like there was no curtain and no magical machine. This was more like: what you see is what you get and there ain’t much of it to offer. (Like the Close Enough meme: knowyourmeme.com/memes/close-enough) The words that come to my mind are sad, depressed, and peculiar. There was one lady who seemed to railroad the discussion, which rubbed me the wrong way. I dunno. It seemed to devolve into a therapy session. In fact, it was much more like that than an interview. The railroading lady would even talk over the top of the company president at times and I immediately thought, “Oooh. If I were to work here, she and I would have a problem. Things with her would not be simpatico.”  It was like she had established that the department she worked in was HER territory and she was going to dominate and intimidate any newcomers. Thanks but no thanks, lady. I’ve already spent the past 18 months clawing and fighting for what I have; the last thing I want to do is walk away from that just to be bullied by a nut job. I wanted it to be great but it wasn’t. This tells me I need to stay where I am until I find what is great.

Since one of my goals for 2013 is to take off the rose-colored glasses and see reality as it is, not as I wish it to be, I am glad I am seeing this situation realistically and not rushing into it. It’s not the right fit and that’s OK. Life goes on. I recall after I left my job of five years, after I had a break from it before starting the “6 Weeks in Hell,” I felt refreshed and ready to go back. It was like, “OK, I’ve rested and had a break from these fools. Now I can go back.” But obviously I couldn’t and didn’t. My point is this: sometimes you have to know whether your issues can be overcome or if they are deal-breakers. As Trump says, “Is this a blip or a catastrophe?” Most of the time, it’s a blip. Certain decisions in life are final and can’t be retracted. In my present circumstances, I think it’s best to hang back a little and perform more assessment before busting out the door. This may be more of a hold ‘em than fold ‘em time.