"I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and I'm not doing well. I'm not a total mess but I'm not great. Since we split up before Christmas, I have several gifts that I was never able to give to him. It blows. When I see these things, I cry. I have tried to get rid of them but when I do, I wind up bawling and getting sick to my stomach. I know I have to get rid of the gifts in order to move on. I can't avoid it forever. What can I do?"
It's not easy. I'm sure you purchased these things with a lot of love and care and it sucks ass to think about putting them in the garbage or giving them away to someone else. However: welcome to Shitsville because that's where you are. The sooner you can step on the gas and drive through it, the sooner you'll be leaving it in your rear view mirror! As my friend, Frank, said to me: "You have to rip the band-aid off. Prolonging your agony does no good." Very true. Is it gonna suck? Yes. Can you survive it? Absolutely. Before my break-up, I bought several gifts for Christmas. Some of these items I was able to give to other people, which was great. A few things, however, were personalized with my ex's name. Oy. What to do with that stuff? All of my friends, male and female, were in complete agreement: throw that stuff away and do not even consider giving those gifts to him. Why give a reward for bad behavior? If he loved you and cared about you, he damn well would have been there for the holidays. So how do you suck it up and do what you need to do?
Like Frank said: rip the band-aid off. I waited about 2 weeks and then, when I was ready to suck it up, I wheeled the garbage can into the living room and cleaned house. Was it the shits? Of course. But in retrospect, I absolutely believe it was the best thing. Anything that reminded me of him, the personalized items, pictures of him, things he drew for me, etc., all went in the can. I even threw away a book of mine that I once leant to him because I didn't want the memory of it in the house! You may not feel compelled to do the shock and awe, slash and burn method that I did, but you need to get the sentimental stuff out.
One question to ask yourself in a moment of raw, real honesty is: what's my goal? If you think giving him these things would create a wonderful reunion or inspire him to beg for you to come back, I wouldn't bet on it. Plus why would you want that? You don't break up with someone you love for no reason, so my guess is that he did something to deserve getting his ass punted to the curb. Don't renege on your better instincts. One trick I learned from a friend is to play a scenario out in your mind when you're thinking about doing something you probably shouldn't. If you mail the gifts to him or show up on his doorstep like Santa Claus, you run the risk of interrupting him with another woman or hanging out with his pack of guy friends. Not good. You then get painted as either the pitiful ex who can't let go because you're pathetic and he's ahh-mazing. (Gag.) Or you become the Glenn Close Fatal Attraction stalker who might boil a bunny on the stove. Again, not good. He gets to brag to everyone about it and you will feel 10x worse than you already do. Right now, in the throes of despair, you may not think you give a damn about your dignity. You feel like you might do almost anything to just make the pain stop. I get it. Dignity and pride don't seem to matter much when you're lovesick and suffering. But once that pain lets up and you see light at the other end, you will be glad beyond measure if you kept your dignity intact. Frankly, what you are or are not doing is none of that asshole's business. Let him wonder whatever happened to that awesome fox he used to date.
I'd suggest you pick a morning to toss his Xmas stuff in the garbage (or, if it's not personalized, give it to charity) and then spend the rest of the day doing things you love to do. Go to the spa, shop, go see a movie, have dinner with friends, whatever. Just don't sit at home stewing about it or drinking alone and running the risk of committing a drunk dial. Get out of the house and occupy your brain. If you need to cry or get angry after you do this, do it. Punch a punching bag. Yell into a pillow. Cry and scream. But then get out of the house. A lot of gyms are running sales because of the January New Year's Resolutions push, so if you want to burn off some of that tension, exercise is a great, productive way. Find a trainer or a kick-ass gym and get into shape. Do something to make yourself look and feel better. Six months from now, if you bump into the idiot on the street, you'll feel much better if you look phenomenal than if you've gained 20 lbs from having an ice cream & chocolate pity party all winter.
I'm no expert, of course, but that would be my recommendation. Hang in there and don't give up hope. I was depressed and despondent until I started lifting weights and putting some focus back into my career. And I had a lot of long talks with God. If I could get out of the pit I was in, I know you can, too.
