No, I don't wanna go back!

Hawkeye: He means to bury us.
Nick Fury: Like the pharaohs of old.

http://www.calvarymemorial.com/sermons/turning-back-isnt-the-way-forward/

I don't want to go back to Egypt. But boy is that a difficult thing to comprehend sometimes. There is nothing worse than when your brain kicks in with false nostalgia. You remember that one time when you got a pat on the back at work or that one time your ex hugged you and told you that you were beautiful? Yep. It's easy to forget the times when the boss crapped on you and you were constantly overlooked for promotions. Or the times when the ex ogled other women in front of you, told you he exercised to avoid lashing out at you, and asked if he could use you as his personal pet. I wonder why we do that to ourselves. The lure of a past that wasn't great can somehow become quite seductive when you are marching into the unknown. 

That's how I feel these days. This is my wilderness period. No idea when it will end or how it will end. And yes, that is scary. But I can't go back. There is no repairing a bridge and walking back to a familiar place. In my metaphorical mind, it's not a forest. It's more like a barren stretch of open field for as far as my eyes can see. Just walking and walking alone. Except it's not actually aloneness because I know God is there. But the people who were once around on this journey with me are not now. They can't be and I know that. It's past time for me to sort out my own thoughts and problems. Figure out what I want and what the future holds. Absorbing myself in other people's dramas and abiding abusive treatment served as avoidance and fantasy land. 

I don't want to go back to Egypt. I don't want to be buried like the pharaohs of old.