From TinyBuddha.com: “You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough that you have to.” -Unknown
John 8:44
American Standard Version (ASV)
44 Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father it is your will to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and standeth not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father thereof.
Even though pain sucks, it is sometimes a necessary evil to get our attention. A liar is pretty much always a liar. I was thinking about that scripture from the book of John. Whenever a liar tells you a lie, s/he is just doing what comes naturally. I'm not saying people can't make positive changes, of course. But when it comes to fundamental components of someone's character, it takes a major effort and generally professional help to make that happen. It goes back to another scripture:
Jeremiah 13:23
Contemporary English Version (CEV)
23 Can you ever change
and do what’s right?
Can people change the color
of their skin,
or can a leopard
remove its spots?
If so, then maybe you can change
and learn to do right.
and do what’s right?
Can people change the color
of their skin,
or can a leopard
remove its spots?
If so, then maybe you can change
and learn to do right.
Someone doesn't wake up one morning and think, "I've been lying to my girlfriend and that's crappy and morally wrong. I will make a total 180." There is a book I read this weekend that I can't recommend highly enough.
http://www.loveaddictionhelp.com/surviving_withdrawal
I bought it as a birthday present to myself and read it in one sitting. I think whether a person is a love addict or not, the book is invaluable for moving on after a break-up. There most definitely is a detox process. This person was part of your life and now he's gone. Even though you may have been the one to pull the trigger and end it, as I did, it was probably over before it officially ended. As I slowly get back out in the dating world, it is important to me not to duplicate the same old mistakes. I've been through such similar experiences with guys who were just like Darcy. Before I read the book, I did not know that codependents tend to attract counterdependents. The more I would try to bond with Darcy, the harder he would push me away. Whenever I'd threaten to leave, he'd say just enough to reel me back in. Things would improve, very briefly, and then they'd suck again. I want off of that merry-go-round. Reading the book helped me to understand: I did not cause Darcy's problems, I was not responsible for his choices, I could not change him or heal him, he will do the same things and be the same man to other girlfriends, and there is nothing I could have done differently that would have changed the final outcome. God, that was a relief. You can go mad with the "if only" regret wheel. But truly, there's nothing I could do that would have made him a warm, compassionate partner who wanted to marry me. Life goes on. Without him!
Birthday party was good. I am so fortunate to have such great friends who love me. I've had my head up my butt for the past four months and I feel like I am coming out of a haze. 32 is supposed to be a Year 1 for me (if you believe in such things) and I hope that's true. I could sure use some new beginnings after the ups and downs of the past 2 years. Part of my homework has been to set some healthy boundaries. I dunno if these will help anyone, but in case it might, I will post a few of mine here:
No more obsessing or allowing others to dominate my thoughts or my life.
No rationalizing bad or incompatible behavior, including basic moral concepts.
No rushing. Things must either happen naturally or not happen at all.
No avoiding or fearing healthy love.
No tolerance for passive aggressive behavior.
No abuse.
No settling or accepting scraps.
These are a few but they are bottom line, non-negotiables. At any point in dating, friendships, whatever, I need to get better at holding to my bottom lines and being willing to walk if it's not healthy or if I am not happy. I deserve to have my needs met. Here is a good example: after my birthday, a couple of my friends wanted to get people together to go to a bar. I didn't want to do that. I was tired and would rather have chilled out with them at their house. Darcy enjoyed bar-hopping and/or sitting for hours on end pounding beer. I am burned out on that crap and I only participated in it occasionally to please him. So when they made the suggestion, I told them I would join them if I felt like it and they left. I didn't because I didn't want to. No hard feelings. It was just that simple. My friend, Jon, and I sat and talked for while and that was great. Part of my struggle in coming out as an introvert is that I am wrestling with feelings of inadequacy: should I want to go out more than I do, am I enough as-is, how will a man ever want to be with me when I'd rather be at home snuggled on the couch than out at a wild party? I'm no prude or Puritan. I enjoy physical love and intimacy. Just because I'd rather be at home with a partner doesn't mean I expect us to sit and do nothing or knit mittens all night, LOL. I like going out to dinner, the movies, out for holidays, traveling, exercising, etc. I just don't want to be out every single night, I don't want to get drunk, and I don't want to stumble home at 4am. And I do NOT want a partner who wants to do those things and who expects me to do those things as well. If all you can devise for fun is keeping a barstool warm, that says more about you than it does about me.
