Back to the single life

Subtitle: Done with Darcy
Sub-subtitle: When can I move in at Cowell Manor, lol?


Oy. What a weekend. Sometimes when shit is not right, it's never gonna be right. And no amount of prayer or hoping is going to change that. My dad and several of my friends told me that numerous points along the way with Darcy. You want to believe the best in people and to have an open mind. You also want to give things an appropriate chance to blossom. But I think for anyone with good self-esteem, there is a limit to what you can withstand. The introvert in me understands that I don't always want or need "stuff" going on in order to feel happy. In fact, I like to socialize and then wrap up with down time by myself. Nothing wrong with that. The HSP part of my personality does not like to keep company with assholes and does not have as high of a threshold for stimulation as other people. In order for me to be happy-- truly happy in a relationship for the long haul-- I need affection and attention. Not in a Romeo & Juliet way but in a stable, consistent, considerate way. A way that says "even when we aren't together, I still think about you." I wasn't getting that from Darcy. Do I think he is fundamntally evil? No. Do I think he was entirely truthful or forthcoming with me? Absolutely not. However, there were times when I only saw what I wanted to see and I sometimes suppressed my inner barometer when she said, "Wait a minute. Are you actually happy here?" If I am being brutally honest with myself, there were getting to be too many times where I was trying to force myself to be happy or to be OK with something. My friend Kim asked me what Darcy and I were doing for Thanksgiving and when I told her he was going away and I was clearly not invited, she asked me in a very intuitive way, "Are you going to be OK with that?" Oh, I reasoned it out beautifully but no, I was not OK with it. The first day and a half that he was gone, I didn't even speak to him. And I didn't want to either, which disturbed me. Part of it was anger, I think, because he went off on a long trip and had no desire for me to join him for even a day of that trip. But the biggest part of it was taking a breather: being able to step away from him and from the relationship itself and look objectively. I had the thought numerous times that not only did I not miss him and not want to be stuck in Kansas with him, I didn't think I wanted to be with him anymore, period. Everyone gets cold feet now and then, yes, but I genuinely think it was a higher part of my consciousness finally getting the chance to peek through and speak to me. The love that I had or thought I had for Darcy was not as true as I had thought. Sure, it wasn't teenage infatuation but it also wasn't that 1 Corinthians 13 love either. But he didn't have any of those feelings towards me. I listened to "No Surprise" while he was gone. Although it takes an investment of time to get to know someone, I do wonder why I stayed in this long. Earlier when he seemed hit or miss on wanting to see me, I should have let him drift away slowly. Devil's advocate in my brain says, "Yeah but then you wouldn't have known." And that is true. I played this out long enough to determine that it was not going to blossom into a marriage. I dunno. On some level, I suppose I wanted to cut him loose before he fucked me over royally. The way he went about scheduling a job interview out of town and not telling me until after the fact was shitty. The only reason I took him back was because he cried and apologized. Silly me, I thought it was a sign that he actually did care. I'm sure he does somewhat but not enough to keep me happy. Ah, and there's the rub! I was not happy in the relationship. At least half of the time, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and/or trying to tone myself down to keep the peace. Kids, that is not good. If you learn nothing else from this blog, learn that: do not participate in any relationship that requires you to fake who you are or causes you to feel poorly about yourself. If your man cannot say basic things to you-- I miss you, I like/love you, you are beautiful, I want you, etc-- without you coaching him along, something has gone way wrong. And I can't even tell you that Darcy was some consummate Don Juan either. He was . . . ahem . . . Rather lacking in the downstairs area. (Lacking more so than any other boyfriend I have literally ever had. The first time I realized there was no more flesh, I was pretty disappointed, LOL.) So what was I hanging on to? That is one of my homework assignments here. My anxiety lady told me it seemed like I was struggling to negotiate where the boundaries were with Darcy. Like, how can I speak up for myself and my own needs without alienating him. And that was a huge stumbling block. He was so cold and detached at times that I was scared shitless to speak up and ask for intimacy. That night he cried and apologized, I actually said I was relieved that he didn't seem to be a robot. But the robotic Darcy is the one I encounter far more often than the Tender Heart. My dad asked me if he was the type to 'go along just to get along' and I said I didn't know. But after the insensitive shit he said during that job interview in Houston debacle plus the insensitive shit he said tonight equals fuck him. It sounds arrogant but he did not deserve me and I don't believe he wanted me anyway. You can call it HJNTIY or whatever. I prefer to look at it from the Maybe He's Just an Asshole methodology. Let's face it. Darcy has some demons. Stuff I don't think he was completely truthful on:

His wandering eye. Do I think he was cheating? Not necessarily but I did find it disrespectful when he would discuss other women in my presence.

His attraction to me. Seems like he played a role to get physical intimacy but now he doesn't want to do much beyond benign snuggling and hand-holding. I asked him point blank tonight if he had lied to me and all he did was fumblefuck around. When your boyfriend says to you that he's not feeling the intimacy train, fuck him. Metaphorically, I mean. If you don't value physical intimacy with me, it is immediately revoked. Pass card done. What a POS.

His booze habits. His revelations about his previous drinking habits scared me. He'd talk about how certain people in his life had never seen him sober and how he'd been a daily drinker. In my heart, I believe he still drinks too much and too often but was lying to me about it because he knew I would disapprove.

His intentions. Don't make someone your girlfriend if you don't want to be her boyfriend. IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE! I guess that is what angers me and confuses me most. If he did not want a relationship with me, he should not have gotten in one.




Good luck, Darcy. At the end of it all, you were simply another Daniel Cleaver. I'm sure you will relocate somewhere else and go back to your hobby of attempting to drink yourself to death.