Take care like Drake

It’s a bit tricky when you find yourself in an anxious situation and your friends are telling you, “Hey. Your thinking about this is disordered. Where is the fun?” In truth, I’ve been digging in the trenches lately for my “me work.” Just the sound of that whole concept is something I loathe. And I’m sure that’s why I avoided it for so long. When you immerse yourself in other people’s problems and you take other people on as your pet projects, you get to avoid the heavy lifting for yourself. It has not been fun. It’s been painful and scary at times to delve into the cobwebbed corners of my own mind and tackle my own issues. For one thing, the job I am in now carries a shitload of uncertainty because I deal with people: the single most unpredictable commodity in the world. (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/your-money/03shortcuts.html?pagewanted=all ) Things can come at you completely out of left field some days and it takes a strong person to leave the office drama at the office. If you aren’t careful, all of those little variables that you cannot control can slide into your consciousness and keep you awake at night. If you are a frequent reader, I’m sure you’ll remember the early part of last year when I was desperate to escape my old job. My mentor was sick with cancer and things got rough. I went into frantic hamster mode. I gotta go somewhere, anywhere, get me outta here! All I could think about day and night was leaving. It became an obsession and I found myself applying for jobs constantly. (Pretty exhausting.) It was like if I wanted to take a night off to do my own thing, I felt guilty and lazy. It can be the same way with working out, too. If your body is tired and you want to take a day off to recover, your mind can tell you that you are a lazy fat-ass even if that’s not the case at all. Ah, the joys of a Type A personality. That sense of urgency that makes you a rock star at work is probably also sending you to an early grave. (http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/type-A-personality.html)

I'm trying to take care not to allow this Darcy situation to be another "escape the old job" debacle, i.e. I don't want to obsess over him and/or the relationship 24 hours a day. That's easier said than done, especially in the early days of being curious about each other and sexually infatuated. You feel like you are fighting against a hormone cocktail in your brain and body. And it’s a cocktail that has existed since the dawn of time to make sure we were fruitful and multiplied. But I'm getting better at recognizing past patterns that have ended in disaster for me. One thing I have typically done is fault-find as a reason to kill a relationship. It’s been pretty common for me pick a guy apart until I can "justify" ditching him. At an early stage, it's usually not difficult. (Note my posts about Darcy’s love of Van Gogh and the old lady book club.) The other thing I have typically done if I actually do like a guy and want to move forward is smother him and/or allow him to smother me. It's not healthy or realistic to put all of your hopes into one person. Logically, I know that, but I have definitely had problems in the past with wanting to spend too much time with a partner. One day apart feels like sheer torture and you count the hours until you can see each other. I get that some of that is natural, yeah, but doing that all the time causes more anxiety and worry than it's worth. Something I’ve been learning about that I had never thought about before is "reassurance-seeking behaviors." I've definitely been bad about that one in the past. "I wonder if he's thinking about me? I wonder if he's alone? I wonder if someone's with him? I guess I could call to find out." I have found myself doing that before even when I wasn't really in the mood to talk at all. I just wanted the little nugget of reassurance. When you’re dating a Daniel Cleaver, you don’t get much ambiguity. They want to tell you whatever you want to hear as fast as possible and rush you to bed. Darcy is a bit different. Not to say he doesn’t want to go to bed—he’s just less likely to make you feel like you’re forced into something on a fast track. As in “do this right now or lose me forever.” To that I say, “Bye bye. Enjoy those door marks on your ass.” I’m caught somewhere in the middle of my two normal patterns right now and I am trying my best to acknowledge them and move past them to something healthier and more balanced. Not saying I want to pick Darcy apart anymore and deliberately find reasons to ditch him or to mock the holy hell out of him. Nor do I want to connect us via umbilical cord and stay glued to his hip 24/7. I’m wrestling with these two components of my brain vying for my attention. One side says, “This will never work. Just ditch him now, cry about it, feel sad, and move on.” The other side says, “Speed this up. Figure out where this is going. Get answers right now before your heart explodes. Get as much certainty as possible.” The truth is that reliability is something that is established over the course of time. It’s not an overnight discovery. You might be able to suspicion the truth based on behavior you have observed thus far but you won’t really know much until time has passed. For someone like me who struggles with impatience, that can feel like a true gut-twister. I’m better than I used to be. The me from 16 to 19 was hell on wheels. I wouldn’t go back there if you paid me a million dollars. Fuck that. I had a colleague today who was really getting hateful and pushy. I told him, “I love you but you are testing my patience. Either be nice about this or go calm down until you can be.” I had a friend who also got testy with me because he’s mad that I’m seeing Arsey Darcy. Same thing. “Either be nice about this or go calm down until you can be.” The me of 10 or 12 years ago would have taken these as invitations to fight and get into one hell of a nasty scrap. Me at nigh on 32 says, “Eh. Not worth it. They’ll calm down soon enough and all will be well.” I wish that side of me could settle down the side of me that’s making decisions about Darcy.

This is a great article about the reassurance thing. (https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:6h1YrjJXDScJ:therapyinmontreal.com/pdf/Stop_Seeking_Reassurance.pdf+reassurance+seeking&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESiBsyJktyAb9dfrTWWCw4mefGT_kWSLcpZhx5zAu2w6q43QL6xcOjzwiwSn4jo9FksPLoDQb_x_sxrhhL_j-H_EcHtSj8l6OSvR6L6mQvlBb-QnC1FcO5DrPc2kKOtdZ3qPpAkU&sig=AHIEtbRAD1uYCOv3RlMPehXpI0hcv7oUVg) I fall into the “paralyzed with fear” category. And I’m not being too hard on myself for it. 2011 sucked. 2012 has been better, but no cakewalk. After you’ve lived through the aftermath of some bad decisions and, conversely, some shitty circumstances not of your own making, it can be difficult to get your balance back. You lose a little confidence in yourself with each beatdown you take. It’s not too different really from my post about needing to get back to the old ways. It’s the same principle on a mental level. I’ve lost my edge and I need to get it back.