‘Twas an interesting weekend.
I took it fairly easy on Friday night. Did some family stuff and then crashed. Tried to sleep but it was a restless night. Woke up a couple of times and had trouble resting again. I’ve discovered all manner of wonderful nuggets as I have been mining my subconscious and working on myself. The Anxiety Demon can roll you on some rides that you do not want to take. I discussed this with my friend, Kevin. As I said, “The Anxiety Demon sucks butthole.” To which he said, “If so, that would silence them. They’d be too busy sucking the butthole to talk.” I thought that was so funny. Another quote:
S: In my logical mind, everything is fine. But the Anxiety Demon is telling me, “He must be out sleeping with 20,000 other women tonight.”
K: September 8th is the national holiday for that. National Sleep with 20,000 Women Day. Barack started it.
S: Oh yeah, right. National Orgy Day. All men dating me must comply with it.
I was in a weird mood on Saturday. Went over to a couple of friends’ house and had way too much to drink. I’d had too much to think and then too much to drink. The vodka flowed in ways that it hath not in a mighty long time. We had a dance party in the kitchen and it was just nuts. We would’ve given the best college kids a run for their money. Bloody hell. Finished out the night with my head in their toilet. One of them wrapped a cold rag around my forehead because I was sweating profusely. They gave me some sort of orange dreamsicle protein shake to eat and I remember drinking part of it, puking it up, and then wondering, “Why does my vomit taste like a dreamsicle? How is this possible?” I remember eating a bean burrito and drinking Gatorade when I got home. And then falling into a black hole of sleep. Songs I remember us either singing or dancing to:
New York Minute
Not Enough Love in the World
Life’s Been Good to Me So Far
Hot in Herre
One More Night (Maroon 5)
Cream
Bad (U2)
An odd mix, to be sure. I also remember my friend coming in and Febreze-ing the bathroom because she said my puke stunk. That’s love, LOL.
Sunday rolls around and I’m twisting my guts in a knot, letting the Anxiety Demon tell me that Arsey Darcy will probably cancel on me and I’ll be stuck feeling like an idiot for letting it go this far. I dragged out of bed and cleaned myself up. A force fed myself a bowl of cereal. I hate that nebulous hangover feeling where you’re hungry and your body needs nutrition but all food on the planet sounds effing disgusting. That’s where I was Sunday morning. Arsey Darcy showed up and it was a really great Sunday. Some canoodling and cuddling and me huffing his skin, which I think is the best skin I’ve ever smelled. He helped me out on some house projects that required a man’s expertise and I was in hog heaven. To quote my friend, Frank: “A man who isn’t even your husband volunteers to come to your house and help out? Girl, that’s better than sex!” It was pretty great. After doing so many things for yourself for so long, it’s nice to acquiesce and let someone else help. Well. More than nice. :) We had dinner and I thought to myself, “I could get used to this if given the opportunity.” Things are still moving at a slower pace in some regards than I’d like but I’m trying to hold where I’m at until he catches up. I described it before as being like I’m on page 50 of the novel while he’s on page 35. All I can do is hold at page 50 and set the book down until he gets to the same page. After Sunday, I’d say he’s more like page 40 now, which is good. It’s like the cliché “do it afraid.” You may be scared shitless to do something, but you do it afraid and keep going. I plan to buy Rabbi Shmuley’s book about fear. There’s a passage I read about not resigning yourself to loneliness because you are too afraid to take chances on love and friendship. Here, here. Avoidance can become all too easy if you allow it to. ("I will not die the death of loneliness by being afraid to love and afraid to get hurt." Now that is sage advice.) My friend, Frank, also said, "It's easier and it's less work to sabotage something. If you do that, you have some sense of control instead of waiting to see how the other person feels and how the relationship progresses." It's frighteningly easy to do that. And to surround yourself with people who never say, "Hey. WTF are you doing? Get out there."
It's nice to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I had done this work years ago.
