Holiday Break, Days 3 & 4

Subtitled:



If you find my liver in Tulsa, please return it and observations from my 28th year.



There is no way to make any coherent synopsis of my birthday parties. I guess I will begin with observations from my 28th year, even though it is very, very early on.



1: It is a dangerous proposition to kiss D'Artagnan. If someone observes that a person-- male or female-- is dressed like an 18th century French swordfighter, don't go there.



2: Any time you have to preface the story by saying, "You know, the mean judge from AGT," stop right there.



3: If one man breaks your heart, mock him openly in a bar. And another man will rock your birthday.



4: If a man tells you he lives in a car but doesn't, he is an even bigger loser than you thought previously.



5: If you give a friend a second chance only to discover he's a narcissistic butthole who can't wish you a happy birthday and can't be your friend because his wife won't allow it, piss on him.



6: If you want to spend your actual birthday in your pajamas nursing a hangover and watching Top Gear, do it. (And on that note, I will NEVER see that part about "ready, steady, D'Artagnan" the same way again.)



7: If Bdongo is involved in your birthday party, you will be drunk.





Quotations from The Cheesecake Factory party:



"It's a man in a cape. Step 1: you cut a hole in the cape. Step 2: you put a man in the cape."



"I think that's 8 Heads in a Duffle Bag."
"Oh God, Sara, no one's talked about that for years."

"Look Brian, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't really call for it."



"I've heard Ricky Gervais talk about Boots Pharmacy. That might be an option."



"I'm going to have to read a lot of periodicals to get the image out of my mind."



"I need to begin Google-ing all night libraries and all night bookstores."

"What I don't understand is why you wouldn't just take a taxi to the hotel and sleep."
"Well because in my mind, you'll be putting him in traction in our room and I'm gonna need to get lost."
"Ahhh, I see."



"I'm gonna read the entire periodicals section of Boots Pharmacy."



"Hey, whatcha doin'? Are ya eatin', fatty."

"Oh wow, that was bad."
"You don't go back from that. That's the official end of a friendship. But you were done with his ass anyway."

"The politics of dancing. The politics of mmmm Chris Mxxxxe."



"I wonder if he even remembers the involvement of Arthur."



"The Gin Ricky Gervais."

"Do you want me to sing to you?"
"Yeah, just let me be drunk enough not to care."



"I don't remember much."
"You were trashed drinking those martinis you invented."
"It erased my mind. The PM-tini erased my mind."
"That's the beverage you drink when you want to forget."
"No kidding. That's why I can't have them in London. I will need to be coherent."



"I remember screaming at Rolo Tony. And I remember the minotaur."
"You sat down and immediately started laughing. And then in the scene where the nerds kill the king, you screamed out Kevin Conn and the whole auditorium laughed."
"I remember the kid's name was Ogie Farks and I remember there was a scene where they tripped out on Ambien."
"What a thing to remember."
"A lot of the night is a blur, really. Like the man himself, it was a fireball that consumed my mind."



Stream of consciousness moment: I am watching the classic ep where the TG boys turn the Renault minivan into a convertible. The image of Richard Hammond driving them while James and Jezza are in the very back with the wind whipping them is so incredibly funny. "I drive a people carrier and I'm a bit of a Piddington." Awesome!



"You got them coming from across the globe."
"I know. That's the benefit of a kick-off from James Purefoy. The rest of the occasion has no other option but to be great."



"I heard that in the final days, Chris Farley ate a lot of his meals here. I'm sure that did not help his health situation. I can see where this could kill a man."



"It's like Moses standing up to Pharoah and saying, 'Let my people go' and then leading them into the Promised Land."



"I think I need to walk past the Capitol rotunda here and then back through the atrium to find a toilet."



"If I get lost, leave me some Hansel and Gretel crumbs."



"I think you channeled the Big Bopper just then!"

"I'm too food-pregnant for Quantum. I need to go home to the bed."



"He's trying really hard to be 90s era Tommy Lee but he just isn't. Never has been and never will be."

"We thwarted a robbery once in midtown Tulsa by singing 'The Heat is On.' It was a carload of miscreants, I believe in an Impala, who decided not to mug us because they thought we were clinically insane."

"Anyone can be a trumpet! All you gotta do is scream!"

"And all the things you tried to hide, Ben, will be revealed on the other side."

"We are broadcasting live from The Church of Satan, apparently."

"He's a funny little man."


Quotations from Mercury party:

"He's a bum. He lives a bummish lifestyle."

"I had to help him toilet. It reminded me of being back at Goodwill."

"Goddamn. Was that one of the three musketeers?"

"I'm old now."

"I had to vomit in the sink, the toilet and around the side of the building."

"I would pee out here but that's illegal. I'd be on the list for the rest of my life just from pissing outdoors. Public urination and all that."

"I think they wanna double-team ya."
"I don't think so."

"There was a lot of nasty talk involved."

"You ain't got no band, Randy."

"Is that Al Green?"

"It made me think of Greg Behrendt. I think that's where it all got off the track."

"He had a on a Jesus necklace."

"He's not my type but he's OK, I guess."
"Well what is your type?"
"I like a goatee."
"What about a pubic goatee?"
(and all I could think about during this discussion was how Eric Cartman's doppelganger had a goatee in the poltergeist pet episode)

There were many, many other things said and laughed at. I do not remember them, however, due to drinking too damn much.