I had a friend ask me today, “Is it possible to be surprised and yet not surprised at something,” to which I replied, “Always.” He had warned a colleague that she was on thin ice due to personal drama and lurking by the coffee pot/water cooler to chat with people for most of the day. She didn’t listen and was fired. I had a similar experience with an asshole, LOL. Our friendship almost fizzled a couple of years ago because he divulged personal information that I had asked him to keep quiet about. (He did this in a business setting and it could have potentially caused me a great deal of grief.) He apologized and vowed to never do it again. Now here we are in the same predicament only this time, instead of owning up to it and apologizing, he is denying it and trying to blame it on someone else who isn’t even remotely involved. He actually tried to sell me on some weirdo idea of a giant conspiracy with someone hacking into his personal cell phone. Give me a break, dude. You got caught spreading gossip yet again and you want to deflect the blame by inventing a conspiracy. Fuck off. No one has time for that. I would be less angry if he had taken ownership, admitted that he discussed confidential information with people he shouldn’t have, and then apologized. I still wouldn’t ever trust him again, but I wouldn’t cut him off at the knees. This situation makes me wonder how much else he has done that I’m not aware of yet.
One great thing about embracing existential aloneness is that there’s no need to put up with dumbass nonsense. I don’t know how else to say it. I don’t mean to imply that people don’t matter or that everyone is a shithead. It’s more a statement of: small things are not so vastly important that they justify great amounts of pain. I break it down like this: if the emotional/mental return on investment is not worthwhile, why mess it with? It’s no secret or surprise that my BF/GF relationships have sucked. Most often, I turned myself into a human doormat and put up with a lot of bullshit to hang on to a crappy man and a crappy relationship. I look back on it now and think, “What was that all worth?” 0, quite frankly. My happiness index is so much higher and more stable than it used to be. When you do things for yourself and for your own enjoyment instead of worrying a lot about what others will think and whether it would attract a potential mate, your freedom increases exponentially. Imagine a Shark Tank scenario where someone gives you a business pitch: “If you give me $100K, I will turn it into $1m within one year.” That year goes by and instead of having $1m or even simply receiving your initial $100K back, you are left with nothing. However cold, harsh, and cynical it may sound, that’s how I view marriage and heavy-duty romantic relationships. Whenever I stopped the panic of “What’s wrong with me? Why can everyone else find someone and I can’t? How is it possible for these people to get married in no time?” I started asking myself a completely different type of question. What do I want? Who makes me happy? The truth is: most people don’t suit me. I can be friends with a variety of folks and acquaintances with a huge network of contacts. But having an intimate, romantic relationship? Nah. Most people I meet aren’t worth it. (To quote a gay friend, “The bitch ain’t worth it!” snap, snap) That’s not to say that someday, someone won’t change my mind. I’ve learned not to make sweeping proclamations for the future. But for the present moment, I don’t feel like actively dating and searching for some dude. The ROI is not enough to entice me. I’ve watched so many friends go through divorces and I’ve also seen a lot of people get fired or demoted in their jobs because they “brought personal problems from home” to the job with them. More often than not, it’s a marriage on the rocks or a bitter divorce. Beatrice was on to something when she said she’d rather hear her dog bark at a crow.
I guess we all have different concepts of what an Übermensch would be. I wonder if it isn’t a shift away from the “you must get married, have kids, work a shit job, and die” mentality. One correlates with the other in my mind: people’s dissatisfaction with this life and subsequent focus on the next stems from feeling trapped in that soul-crushing cycle. You’re not really free to do things that you would enjoy because you are bound to other obligations. I think of how many times I’ve heard friends rattle off a laundry list of things they hate about marriage and parenthood; then when you agree and say, “Yeah, I’m sorry, that sucks,” they immediately scream, “Oh but I would never leave. I love my _______.” So you sat here for 2 hours and told me your life is abject misery and pure hell but then I agreed with you and you wanted to tell me it’s actually great? Whatevs, man. Whatevs. When I think about humanity redefined and a shift away from things we categorize as “traditional, old school values,” I picture a society of people not feeling compelled to conform to the Western capitalist assembly line. Go to school. Obey your parents. Do not question authority. Go to college. Get married. Get a shit job. Have many babies. Throw your dreams in the trash. Wait for death. Die.
If I hadn’t discovered there is a different path, I would’ve swallowed the family pack of Tylenol and gone for the dirt nap. That’s real talk from me to you, fair reader. No man is an island? It’s more like no man is an island all the time every day. But sometimes man is an island. Sometimes he is an island that wants to be left the fizzy-fuck alone, LOL!
