Subtitle: Buddha was pretty on point.
My friend, Marion, was clued into Zen and existentialist thought long before I was. She had some life experience on me and she understood things from a wiser perspective. I was thinking about her today because she would tell me to let things be what they would be. Instead of overdoing things, forcing them, trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, etc., just LET IT BE. Accept life as it is.
That was on my mind because I had lunch today with a frenemy (let’s call it like it is) and I realized I’ve spent too much time with him this month, LOL. Normally, I’ll have a meal with him once every two or three months and that’s about the right limit. In small doses, things are fine; in fact, in small doses I’d say he’s downright charming and very funny. But anything beyond a 2 hour encounter every 2 or 3 months is too much. I’m not sure why exactly, and frankly, I don’t care, but it seems like trying to maintain contact with him more often than that brings out something unattractive, rude, and cruel in his personality. Schadenfreude seems like the best word for it. He seems to enjoy tearing other people down, including me. The energy gets pretty negative and suddenly Mr. Hilarious Charmer turns into Mr. Verbally Abusive Asshole. He becomes a master of both straightforward insults and left-handed compliments. It’s not alcohol-based either because he doesn’t drink. (Not that that would make the behavior acceptable, merely that it would provide a plausible explanation for what’s fueling it.) Anyway, there’s a part of me that says, “If you have a good time by limiting your contact, limit your contact and let it be.” The other part of me says, “If maintaining a friendship with this dude involves hurt feelings and ruffled feathers, why are you doing it?”
I thought about the concepts of Right Thought and Right Speech. If a person is your (true) friend, s/he wouldn’t want to make you feel poorly about yourself and plant seeds of lies in your mind. He made one of his crappy comments today and I brushed it off with a laugh and kept going. It was amusing in a way because when I did that, an expression of complete shock went across his face. “Wait a minute. I tried to tear her down and she didn’t buy it. What just happened?” It may sound counterintuitive but I don’t think it’s a productive exercise to sit and wonder about all the reasons why someone is an asshole. S/he is. Get on with your life. This time last year when I was in the throes of a major depression, I felt like almost anything could have sent me over the edge. I was doing the bare minimum to get by and most of the time, I didn’t want to do much beyond crying and sitting in bed. Things are much different now. For one thing, I don’t stress out over small crap the way I used to and for another, I don’t feel like I need someone else’s approval, adulation, admiration, whatever, to be a healthy, valid human being. I don’t have to prove anything, nor do I need to have a full breakdown if something doesn’t work out or a relationship fails.
Anytime I have been in a “friendship” that involved backbiting and laughing at someone else’s failures, it was not true. It was a frenemy relationship that made me feel better about myself by proxy. And that sucks—for everyone involved. It’s not good for either party—which is why I’m leaning more towards the “why are you doing it” side. There are billions of people on the planet; if you hang out with someone for a while and it runs its natural course or changes into something that’s not healthy, you can find other friends.
Maybe it’s time to let Mr. Hilarious Charmer’s messages roll to voice mail.
