VM: Dirty Diana

I've been reading your recent posts about friends and I need to rant myself. I am in one of those BFF frenemy relationships. I know I need to stop it but I feel so guilty. I've been friends with Diana since grade school. She is my oldest friend and we have been through a lot together. She was there for me when I went through a bad divorce and I was there for her when her mom died unexpectedly. Even thinking about dumping her makes me feel like an evil bitch but I am at the breaking point. I took her out to lunch a couple of weeks ago and intended to have the talk with her but I chickened out. I had a stomach ache from being nervous about it and I chickened out. My other friends call her Diana Downer and Static Cling behind her back because she is clingy, moody and really negative. She works at an accounting firm and she does a good job. But her boss moved her to a cubbyhole office at the very back of the building because people hate interacting with her. They never know if they will get ripped a new one from her. When I started to date again after the divorce, I introduced her to my new boyfriend over dinner. She got crazy drunk and told him he would be an 'unfaithful bastard just like my ex was'. I was humiliated and she was so loud that half the restaurant probably heard. She calls me multiple times a day everyday and emails me too. Her moods are unpredictable and no matter what she always puts a negative bitter twist on things. She has basically no one else but me. That is one reason why I feel so damn guilty about it. We have been friends for so long and we really have had good times together. But I can't stand the constant calls and emails and the horrible attitude. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage and the possibility of moving out of state for his job. I confess that one motive I have in thinking about leaving is to get away from Diana. Deep down I feel like I should talk to her in person and not break up by leaving town without telling her. I dread the conversation and I dread her flipping out on me. She is the type of person who will make a scene in public and I feel nauseous thinking about it. Sorry for the long email but I needed to talk to someone about this. 


Wow. She sounds like a peach. Clearly, she is the type who would make a scene in public if she's willing to get mowed down drunk and announce her opinion of your boyfriend to a crowded restaurant. Good times. On top of that, she's harassing you all day long with negative bullcrap. How can you walk away from that?

Seriously though, if you are so tired of this that you have thought of leaving the state because a major perk is escaping Dirty Diana, here's your sign. Regardless of the good times from the past, it sounds to me like you are done. A couple of things: take your ego out of the equation and ditch the guilt. You are not the only human in her life and even if you are the center of her universe right now, she will move on. Some people don't know how to be alone. They may equate being alone with being lonely, antisocial, a loser, a weirdo, whatever. I don't think that is the right frame of mind. Remember the Mounds/Almond Joy commercial: sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you want to be alone and sometimes you want to be social. If she has a disordered sense of attachment, she will replace you with some other person who will take her persistent calls and emails. Life will go on and the sun will still rise in the morning. Rather than spending time agonizing over what Diana's problems are or why she stalks you all day, ask yourself: why am *I* continuing this friendship when I know it is not healthy for me? (You may save yourself hundreds of dollars in therapy bills if you just ask that one thing, LOL.) I know it's hard when you have nostalgia and memories pulling at your heart. The cliche about breaking up is hard to do does not apply only to romance. Kicking a friend to the curb sucks. But you are not doing yourself, Diana, or your other relationships any favors by keeping this going. I have walked both ways: I have had the awkward conversation and I have done the tuck-your-tail and slink away method. Honestly, I think it depends on the situation. I had a friendship that had run its course and needed to cease. The guy was a drama king and he would message me all day long to tell me that every tiny thing was a major drama and he was unable to cope with daily life. He even called me one day and said he wanted to commit suicide in the stairwell of his office. (It was a not a serious threat but rather a melodramatic meltdown.) I told him I felt like the friendship was not working and I pulled the classic "it's not you, it's me" card. He told me he refused to accept my break-up and kept going on business as usual. At that point, I did the disappearing act. It took about a month before he left me alone but it finally happened. Since you two have a long history together, I think you at least owe her a mature, face to face discussion, perhaps at a restaurant or coffee shop you have NO intention of ever returning to! If she has a hissy fit and embarrasses you, you aren't screwed out of a place you may frequent again. I wouldn't expect her to listen or understand. You are the one who has changed and decided it is not acceptable anymore. Diana still wants the status quo and to keep you as her enabler. My advice in a nutshell: Say what you need to say, pay the bill, and go on.