Coolin' the jets

So I've had a little time to think about things. To make a long story short, I have been upset with Darcy because he may possibly be making some major life changes that would impact our relationship and he did not tell me about it until after the fact. I still don't know where things are going with his situation and neither does he. He's not sure that his job is stable past the end of the year and if he leaves the state, that will obviously have an impact on what happens in our relationship. At that point, you have to decide if you want an LDR, which I don't think either of us do right now, or if you part ways. It's wildly painful and upsetting to think about someone you care about leaving you but it's even worse to think that he might do it in a "sneak out the back door" kind of way. He's adamant that he was not going to do that. But it certainly shook my trust in him.

But more than anything, it has forced me to look at myself. I had a long term friendship that I overinvested in for many years. I felt that I cared more about her and her well-being that she did about me and that was painful. However, on the flip side, I chose to focus on her issues more than my own. By immersing myself in her life and willingly making her the center of too much of my attention, I used her as a way to avoid my own demons. Now here I am at almost 32 years old trying to conquer my Anxiety Demon and figure out what coping skills work the best for me. When one of your anxiety what-ifs is: what if I fall for this guy and he leaves me/disappoints me/breaks up with me, and it appears that the what-if might actually come true at some point, that is one hell of a test. It makes you want to say, "Well, OK. Clearly, if this what-if is not irrational, I bet some of my other what-ifs are not irrational either!" My friend, Frank, has been very good at not blowing smoke up my asshole. Some of my friends do and it's not that they do it out of intentional meanness. They just don't want to hurt my feelings or bust my chops if I need it. If Frank sees that I am doing something out of panic or anxiety, he'll tell me. I appreciate that. Because I was very, very close to writing a Dear John letter of my own to Darcy. Or calling him on the phone and saying, "Look, pal. I'm going to leave you before you have the chance to leave me. Forget my number." I'm definitely not saying we'll be together forever by any means. But in searching my heart and my head, I'm not ready yet to walk away from him. It would be a very temporary fix for my panic, don't get me wrong. Frank told me that he had blown up plenty of relationships over the years out of a need for control and he doesn't want to see me do that here. Even if it turns out that Darcy leaves and we aren't "meant to be," this is a coping skill I need to learn for life in general. I need to get better at sitting with my anxiety and not rushing to self-medicate. Some people do that with drugs, booze, or food. I tend to self-medicate by trying to create situations of finality (i.e. in this case, wanting to get rid of Darcy altogether instead of slowing it all down) or gain as much reassurance as possible. One big problem with that is that neither of those methods work for very long. If I totally ditched Darcy, I'd feel good for a day or two. Then I would regret it and panic more. Or if I try to beg him for certainty, it'd be no good. Neither of us knows what will happen tomorrow, next month, or next year.

But that's OK. We don't have to know right now. This can only be what it is. One day at a time. Something else I realized is that I have over-romanticized both Darcy and the relationship itself. We don't know each other. We do a little bit but 3 months is nowhere near long enough to really, genuinely know. If this situation was playing out in reverse, it would scare the shit out of me. Here's what I mean: if he was proposing and telling me that he wanted to marry me and be willing to relocate with him if he leaves, I'd be crapping my pants, LOL. It's just too soon for any of that. So why am I allowing my emotions and hormones to overpower my rational mind? It's kind of like that book title Be Honest, You're Not Into Him Either. My poppyseed of love was for a Darcy who is not real. He was a Darcy who existed in my mind and this incident on Thursday popped my bubble. I needed a bite of a reality sandwich in a big way. I lost my head and my objectivity. Earlier this week when someone asked me what I liked about him, I initially froze like a deer in headlights and it took me a minute to spit out a few superficial reasons. Although I would never tell him this, whenever I was looking through my photos from the trip, I looked at them and thought, "Is this what he actually looks like? Or is he just really not photogenic at all?" I know that sounds pretty bad but I'm just being honest. I had even mythologized his physical appearance to be better than it is in reality. Talk about rose-colored glasses! We all do it to some degree, but I really lost my head and lost control of my emotions. Darcy is not the last lifeboat off the Titanic. Putting him on a pedestal puts too much pressure on both of us and the relationship becomes decidedly un-fun. I care about him and I enjoy going out on dates with him. For now, that is enough. It may very well be over the passing of time that I realize he isn't enough for me and I want something more. Or he may move away and that be the end of this. If so, it won't kill me or destroy me. I'd cry, I'm sure, but I'd move on. I dunno. I think I have allowed him to be too much in the driver's seat. Some of the things we've done together I've enjoyed. Some of it has been kinda lame.

No more life or death thinking. No more mythologizing. No more pedestals. No more weeping and hormonal hell-rides. No more treating him better than I do myself. No more always agreeing to go somewhere or do something just as a means of spending time with him. Ugh. If I want to do something I will. If not, I won't. It doesn't need to get more complicated than that.