I remember whenever people at work would ask my friend Ron how he was doing and he’d almost always say, “Hangin’ on by a thread.” I can relate to that. Last night, I decided to take a self-imposed lazy bones evening. And it did wonders. I slept really hard and when the alarm went off this morning, I didn’t feel like I was a zombie barely able to function. I actually got up out of the bed and got motivated. Imagine! Now I didn’t get up early and fart around, but I got up on time and got moving. That counts for something!
I can’t believe Halloween is tomorrow and Thanksgiving is less than a month away. And my birthday is about a month away. But I am not complaining. I’m going as Iron Man for Halloween tomorrow and that will be wicked cool. I’m so ready for the holiday PTO. I still have a couple of days left that I can take off aside from the holiday days and I’m trying to decide what to do with them. Right now, I’m keeping them in trust because it’s cold and flu season. Everyone has been sick. In case I wind up in misery between now and January 1, I want to be able to recover at home.
I guess the anti-bullshit holiday funk is hitting me right on schedule this year. I feel like a fussy baby. I have these moods where nothing suits me. If it’s x, I want y. If it’s y, I want z. That sort of thing. I want something, then I get it, and then I don’t want it anymore. I need to figure out what’s up with that. Part of it is the ass-riding for Q4. Part of it is being mentally tired and ready for time off. The vacation in Eureka did wonders for my wanderlust but man, was it a short trip. We blinked and it was over. Part of it is general anxiety about wondering where things are going with Darcy and me trying to sort out how/what I feel. Having a poppyseed of love but not being able to say it just yet is tough. There was a time when we were out on one of the trails when it almost slipped out. I had to forcefully pull it back from my tongue. He was stooped down to either take a photo or tie his shoe. I was looking at a bird’s nest and the changing leaves. I was running my fingers through his hair and it just almost popped out. “I poppyseed love you, baby.” Then I caught myself and said nothing. There are certain things in life that, after being said or done, can never, ever be taken back. The L-bomb is one of them. I’m too fragile right now to go through an experience of having him either panic and leave or get his turtle face on and say, “Hmm. I don’t think I’m there yet.” (The turtle face usually comes out in moments of grumpiness, LOL.) But this is something I need to add to the list to discuss with my anxiety lady. It’s obviously affecting me even though I wish I could go all Vulcan and shut it off. But I can’t. Like I told the lady, “I have a spark of something and I’ve come to feel like my life is better with him in it. That scares the shit out of me.”
