Thumper foot

I was thinking about that part in “Confessions” when Usher says, “If I’m gonna tell it then I’ve gotta tell it all.” If I’m gonna go for this then I’ve gotta really do it for real. And I feel a bit lost, to be honest. If you haven’t ridden a bike for a while, you regain the skills fast, but those first few pedal strokes are rough. Whenever the weather gets bad and I don’t go out to BMX for a while, I feel rusty and overly cautious the first couple of times I get back out there. Or if you take a break from the weights and then hit them again, you feel inflexible and out of practice. Dating is the same way. I’m picky, there’s no doubt about that. Contrary to the advice of the world at large, I think that’s a good thing. I don’t believe in high volume for the sake of high volume. I have plenty of friends and family members and most days, I feel like I have more than enough to do. The grass doesn’t grow under my feet and I don’t see any need to spend a bunch of time dating men that give me the creeps. (The aged Scott Disick from 1986 is an excellent example. That guy might as well have ‘Date Rape’ stamped on his forehead.) However, you have to be willing to be open-minded and take chances with the ones who don’t give you the creeps. The training I had earlier this summer really came at the right time. I didn’t fully grasp it or understand the ripple effect it would have on my life at the time. I was just riding mules and hay wagons and having fun in the sun, LOL. I’m a big believer in gut instincts and paying attention to your impressions. But I’ve been bad at times about making snap judgments and then being hesitant to amend those decisions once they are set. And, conversely, I’ve been bad about letting bullshit drag on too long in the hopes that I could fix something that ain’t fixable. I guess what I’m getting at is that there have been times where I wasted my efforts on people who didn’t deserve them and shut out people who actually did care. Or didn’t give a person enough of a chance to make a valid assessment. I’m not sure where that comes from in my personality, but I am glad I’m realizing it’s there. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or a protection ploy, I dunno. Give people the brush off at the first sign of a disagreement and then you don’t have any regrets later. That’s a utopian thought, perhaps, of always being able to stave off future regret and pain by kicking someone to the curb at the first sign of trouble. But that’s not real life. Real life is far more messy and complicated than that. Sometimes if you cloister yourself away in a particular routine, it becomes a turtle shell. If I just maintain this one certain routine with the same person/people it means I don’t have to work at building something new with anyone else. That sort of thing. It was past time for me to get out of that routine and let go of that security blanket. Plus if you tell yourself that 4 out of every 5 people are giant assholes anyway, that too is a pass card from even trying.

This whole Arsey Darcy thing is just . . . well . . . different. Different in pretty much every way from what I am used to. I’ve had relationships and friendships with people who were very different from me. Some of them were long-term. My longest lasting relationship was with my polar opposite. But that was too much. It was volatile and tumultuous all the time. When it was good, it was great but when it was bad, it was unbearable. Plus he was a loser with zero ambition and he envisioned a scenario of me being the breadwinner while he stayed at home all day. I can’t project that crap onto Darcy. He’s a completely separate person. He has a good job and actually gives a damn. So already he’s miles ahead of the ex, LOL. It’s like what I was saying before about Daniel Cleaver. That’s what I’m used to. But that has been shitty. They may ooze charm and be handsome and funny as hell but you are one of many and when the new wears off, they’re gone. And the whole time you’re dating them, you feel wildly self-conscious about whether or not they find you attractive. If you’re in a relationship with someone like that and get mad PMS bloating, you want to wear a burka and go into hiding for a week. Life is too short for all that. Most everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning but sooner or later, your guard comes down and you have to be who you actually are, bad traits, flaws and all.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like if I’m gonna do this, I need to really do it for real. Not everyone makes me feel that way. But Arsey does. I wish I could explain it but I can’t. There’s just something going on here that I cannot walk away from. For one thing, the smell of his skin turns me into Edward Cullen: I smell it and go mad. And I don’t mean good-smelling cologne, although he has that. I mean the actual, natural, clean smell of his skin. You know how the air smells after a rainstorm in cool weather? That completely, utterly pure smell where there’s no pollution and no other scent but the cleanness. It’s how you imagine the Earth must have smelled on the first day God created it. For another, I remember the first time I saw him and immediately thought, “Shit. I think this is a game-changer.” Even though we’ve been off to a bumpy, awkward start, I still feel that way. When I touched him the other day, he got the Thumper leg. (Remember Thumper in Bambi?  http://www.youtube.com/watch v=hiptUShsnGs&feature=youtube_gdata_player) I thought that was so endearing. I remember one time many summers ago when my ex and I had a garage sale at my parents’ house. We were sitting on the porch during a dead time. I don’t recall what we were talking about but my mom said she looked out the window and she said there was a look of complete love and fascination on his face. (Clearly, this was one of our good times.) In spite of his nervousness and anxiety, that’s how Arsey looks at me. He may not be the best at vocalizing it or presenting it in a way that isn’t awkward, but I can see it’s there. He asked if I wanted him to walk me across a busy street and I said, “Yes, if you don’t mind” and I swear when I looked up, the expression on his face was like he had seen Aphrodite herself. He could disappear and wander off into the wilderness and never be seen again. I don’t know, it’s still too early. But if he does that, he’s fucking crazy. Because I think we actually have something good here.