There can be such a struggle sometimes between your logical mind and your emotions. That’s what I’ve been going through. I’ve been working on my hiccups and hang-ups with unrealistic expectations and overinvestment with my friendships. Now I need to apply that homework to my romantic involvements. Avoiding dating altogether is not a solution. But neither is diving in headfirst to a commitment when you barely know somebody. It’s truly OK for my situation with Arsey Darcy to develop slowly. In fact, that’s preferable and a blessing in disguise. I may not always like it but it needs to be this way. Whatever issues he has are his to deal with. I need to get my own shit straight regardless of what happens with him or anyone else, romantic, platonic, whatever. I’m interested enough that I would like to keep seeing him and interacting with him to see how this goes. At this early stage of the game, that’s enough for now. There doesn’t have to be a big, sweeping commitment and we don’t need to move this party train at warp speed. Nor do I need to know precisely how either one of us feels. That was a biggie for me. I like him superficially and I am attracted to him. I’d like to know more. But that’s as far as I am for now and that’s OK. I don’t have to be 100% sure that I am ready to buy a ticket and get on the bus. I’m more at the place of picking up travel brochures at the office. Maybe it sucks a little to move at all the speed of a glacier, but I don’t even know his middle name yet. We’re nowhere near the point of nudity, sex, monogamy, commitment, deep discussions, expectations being set, etc. My logical mind knows that and is fine with it. My emotions/hormones are causing the train to jump the tracks here and I need to rein that in before it blows up like an atom bomb of crazy hell. (What is it Bruce Banner says about Loki. Something like “that guy is as crazy as a bag of cats.” That’s what I don’t want to be, LOL.) Speaking as a woman, we jump to conclusions and overanalyze every word our date says anyway. Guys are usually a bit better at knowing that talk is cheap and not reading too much into something too soon. Whatever happens in this deal happens. I remember when I was in the process of selling my old house and buying the new one. My mortgage broker was such a cool, keep-it-real kind of guy. He told me point-blank, “You are worrying too much and you’ll drive yourself crazy. These deals are so fragile and they can break at any moment. Until closing is finished and you exchange keys, it ain’t over.” Relationships are like that, too, particularly in those awkward, nebulous, early times. I remember when the weirdo who bought my house showed up to closing late and then put everything on hold until she finished her cup of coffee because she’s “just not right in the morning without it.” I was so relieved when we were finished and parted ways, LOL. But I digress. Anything can happen and any array of deal-breakers can arise. If they do, that’s OK. Either one of us can walk away and go on with life. He is not the last man on earth. There is no onus upon us to cling together after a nuclear disaster and repopulate the earth. As Bill Hicks always said, it’s just a ride. (No pun intended.) We’re still virtual strangers who’ve spent a grand total of perhaps 10 hours together over the course of this month. So yeah. Time to cool down.
I was thinking about my post “Dude, just be cool” about watching a friend of mine interact with her boyfriend. They’re both good people and I like them. But together they are no good. He is a colossal grouch and she acts like a doormat. They keep going through the make-up and break-up cycle over and over. It’s painful to watch. I’m not saying I want to be the doormat, but I don’t want to be the colossal grouch either. Balance is a good thing. No submissive doormat, no overbearing asshole. I had a guy call me today at work who was upset about something and looking to take it out on me. I have to say I am very proud of myself. I stayed calm and extracted myself from it in a professional, quiet manner. I could stand to approach more of life that way. I’ll always be a passionate person but sometimes the horse needs a bit in its mouth for guidance and order. I had lunch with a friend today and she told me about an employee at her company who got fired because he thought his way was the best on everything and he refused to ever comply with company policy. He had to learn the hard way that trying to be a One Man Army against the entire firm was not going to work out as he planned. She said, “At our company, you can’t throw a tantrum when your suggestion is not implemented. We have a lot of internal policies on compliance. You can either get in the boat and start rowing or you can jump out and swim away. Those are pretty much the two options where we are.” I thought about it and said, “Ya know, that’s pretty much a metaphor for life. You can either get on board with what’s happening and deal with it accordingly or you can jump out and give up.” Whether you believe in a higher power or not, there’s only just so much you can control on your own. I think the Buddhist approach about not trying to fight all of these external forces is a wise one. You can only choose how you act or react to something. I couldn’t control whether the buyer of my home was going to freak out and kill the sale at the last minute. I just had to survive and try not to panic myself into an early grave. I lost a big deal at work recently when a guy totally flaked out on me, making both of us look bad. I was very nervous that I might get shit-canned for it. Things looked grim but I told myself, “You did all that you could do. This guy went ape-shit crazy and blew it. It’s not your fault and whatever happens, you will survive it.” And I did. It blew over and I didn’t even bleed about it half as long as I thought I might. Part of the panic I felt in the wake of that was normal, of course. Anyone would worry if they lose money at work. But the amplification of it was, I think, a bigger reflection of my own struggle with anxiety and pessimism. If you always look for negativity, you will find it. That’s another reason why I have house-cleaned some people out of my life. As with my friend and her boyfriend, some people simply bring out the worst in each other. They don’t make a good combo. Now in particular is not the time for me to be around Debbie Downers. I’m working to get my own thoughts and patterns in order. I don’t want someone polluting my head with garbage. I’ve done enough of that to myself inadvertently. There are so many “self help” books you can read about how to improve your relationships or how to approach dating and so many of them boil down to horrible advice for women. Basically:
*Don’t be yourself
*Smile and act like an airhead Stepford wife
*Never have a bad day
*Do not complain ever about anything for any reason
*Don’t discuss anything about work or any successes you’ve had
*Be as femme as possible and do not so much as cut your own steak (actually, don’t order steak at all because that’s too manly)
*Fake a tremendous amount of weakness
*If he likes sports, agree and resolve to watch every game with him
*Even if he wants to spend your anniversary having guys’ night out, let him
*Be a damsel in distress even if you aren’t
*Never look anything less than perfect like an airbrushed magazine model
That is so exhausting. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. 31.5 years of fighting against myself and 1 year of trying to force myself to be a person I am not have broken me. I’m too fucking tired to keep up a charade. Does that mean I think women should use their dates as therapists or that we should air all of our dirty laundry ASAP? No, of course not. There is certainly a concept of “too much, too soon.” I have been guilty of that as well. After all, it’s important to remember that the beginning of a dating relationship is a very, very fragile and tenuous beginning. If this person is new to you, there is no shared history or bonds. You don’t know this person no matter how much your hormones may be screaming. He may look like Hugh Jackman and be as smart as Stephen Fry and as funny as Jezza Clarkson, but he is still a fucking stranger. I can’t fake the Stepford shit anymore. Something that I find amusing is that, as much as I seem to think that being myself will kill any potential romantic relationships, all of my solid friendships are predicated on me being me. When I went to that training I’ve talked about, everyone was going to get together for dinner one night. I planned to decline. I figured I’d go eat dinner by myself at the restaurant next to the hotel, read and relax a little or maybe go for a swim in the pool, and then call it a night. Everyone was disappointed when I said I wouldn’t go. After some prodding and the promise of a meal to compete with Delmonico’s, I changed my mind and went. As one girl said, “For someone who didn’t want to go, you turned into the life of the party. I’m so glad you’re here.” That meant the world to me. It truly did. I remember discussing Boner from Growing Pains and a group of businessmen at the next table stopped and said, “THAT is the conversation I wanna be involved in!” LOL.
The battle here is not me versus anyone or anything else. It’s not about “when is Darcy gonna call,” “are we going out again,” “does he like me,” “is he gonna ditch me over the holiday weekend,” blah blah blah. Ostensibly, it may seem that way, but it’s not. The battle is me versus me. This shit is all going on in my head. I’m glad that I have this blog because this is such a great venting source. This is my journal online that helps me kvetch about my stuff. I have a friend I call my “Relationship Yoda.” We talked about some of this last night and it helped a lot. It’s good to have those people who can give you tough love and say, “Dude. You are thinking about this way too much. I can understand that you’re excited and I can understand that you might be confused or concerned about why he wants this to progress so freakin’ slowly but still. You’re overanalyzing it to death. Let it be.” The truth is when you are battling with yourself and acting as your own worst enemy, no matter where you go or who you are with or not with, there you are. I’ve seen people in marriages who were together but lonely as hell. And/or miserable as hell. No thanks. If I go out again with Darcy, so be it. If not, that’s OK. If he disappears permanently, I will not probe or pick the scab. I’ll let him go. I’ve allowed myself to spiral deeper down a hole of self-pity and anxious torment. In the same way that I’ve been working diligently to get my nutrition and exercise habits back on track, I’m going to do the same with my mental health, too. These past couple of years have been tough. 2012 has not been as rough as 2011, but it’s had its moments. I’ve had two unexpected surgeries, a battle with an ovarian cyst, the adjustment of learning a new career, buying and selling houses, moving, etc. So . . . yeah. I need to stop all of this frenetic energy long enough to examine what’s going on inside my head and reset my batteries from negative to positive.
