"That kind that can't understand society and social cues"

Subtitle: sometimes a good friend will give it to you straight

So I was talking with my friend Jon today about Mr. Milquetoast / Arsey Darcy. As I related the story to him, we both laughed harder and harder. I also remembered some details that I had repressed...

Dude told me he owns a TV but never watches it because he eschews satellite and cable. He instead chooses to Hulu only choice programming.

He doesn't own a microwave. He cooks everything fresh in a portion for one or he goes out for food.

He loves Amsterdam because everyone rides a bike and there is virtually no noise pollution. He does not, however, have respect for Rembrandt's art. In fact, he is a big fan of Van Gogh, which immediately screams DILETTANTE to me. If you are lecturing someone on a first date about the pain it causes you to look at Rembrandt's art, here's your sign.

He hates amusement park rides because they cause him migraines and nausea. However, he does not get sick in the water because he was on the "chop of Chesapeake Bay" and did not encounter motion sickness. Man up, dude. If your lady wants to go on rides, you go. I had to deal with enough of that fussy pussy business from one of my girlfriends. I don't need it in a man!

He told me that he is not accustomed to drinking cocktails because he is normally an ale enthusiast.

He belongs to a poncy old lady book club. I imagine him drinking high tea from a tiny cup with a doily while discussing The Notebook as Mittens the tabby cat sits on his lap in a little red sweater.

He visits botanical gardens. Alone.

His idea of vacation is taking a bicycle tour.

He hates Halloween and Christmas because he feels there's "too much pressure." When I asked what pressure is involved with Halloween, he replied, "The pressure of selecting the right costume." WHAT?!?!

He told me he has severe anxiety and going out on dates is a major boundary pusher for him.

I told a story that was relayed by a drunkard to myself and my friend, DJ. A drunk told us about some beer that he felt was superior because it didn't "pussy out like Fat Tire." Apparently, he is a fan of Fat Tire and that really set him off. By that time, I was done with him and didn't care.

I also told him about the night that my friend Terry and I discovered Steven Urkel Pilsner. He quickly corrected me that it was Ur-quell, not Urkel. I should have said, "It's pronounced 'pompous, humorless bastard,' actually."

He got pissy with me because I asked him what he recommended as being good at the restaurant we went to. Normally, men are only too happy to express an opinion and puff their chest out to give you advice. Not this one. He was angry that I asked for his suggestions!



So as I tell Jon all this, he's like, "This guy is not awkward but charming. He may be gay but in denial about his orientation. Because I can tell you: no hetero guy goes to a botanical garden alone. A straight guy goes with his woman to get laid later. He also sounds like he may be that kind of autistic that can't understand society and social cues." I was like, "Yeah, I think I over-romanticized the guy. Now that we're talking about it, hell no, there can be no second date." I am proud of myself for keeping an open mind. While I am waiting for things to come together with my actual for-real soulmate, I'm certainly not going to sit at home. But Idiot Boy is not even someone I'd be compatible with for a friendship. Eek.