I am officially beyond sick of winter. The first week or two of cold weather after a long hot summer is usually a welcome thing for me. It’s a time of the year when the leaves are changing color and fall is here and I am twitterpated. But I am so tired of it. As I was driving the other day in a rugged area, I noticed that all the moisture had turned into long icicles down the side of this rocky, mountainy hill. Instead of thinking, “Wow, how pretty,” since it was juxtaposed with a lot of broken tree limbs and dead foliage, all I could think was:

Dear Winter:

Go the f*ck away.

Signed,
Me


If I could take a dream trip right now, my fear of wrinkles notwithstanding, I would go to a hot beach, slather on a gallon of SPF 70 just to be safe, and let the sun bleach out everything from my hair to my skin all the way down to my bones. THAT is how ready I am for this crap to end.

As a side note, near the same icicle area, I saw Frank Zappa with long dreadlocks picking up litter with a crew of prisoners. The day before that, I saw a man walking in 30 degree weather wearing a nightgown and houseshoes. What has happened to the world? Oh yeah: there was an old, old man in my optometrist’s office who was carrying a roll of yellow caution tape. All he was doing was waiting for his wife to finish her eye exam . . . what was the need for the caution tape? Does he carry it everywhere as his must-have accessory?

While we are asking questions of the universe, why did Fox taunt me by starting up a much-awaited new season of Kitchen Nightmares only to give a fucking re-run tonight?

Why is it that each time I go to Wal-Mart to buy something nutrition and/or fitness related, I get the same cashier who always looks at me like she thinks I have an eating disorder (which I assure you, I do not)?

Why do people in Wal-Mart bring up the oddest questions and comments? Case in point, a dialogue I heard and wanted to get away from:

Old Lady 1: “I see you are barely getting around just like me. Did you have knee surgery?”
Old Lady 2 (who is hobbling along with a cane): “No, I had hip surgery.”
Old Lady 1: “Bless your heart. It’s so tough to walk nowadays.”
Old Lady 3: “They are out of Mart Carts right now. They are trying to charge up more of them.”

Now, clearly some elderly woman who has had hip surgery and can barely walk with a cane is the type of person who justifiably needs a Mart Cart. What I don’t particularly understand is why Old Lady 1 felt the need to get into Old Lady 2’s business. And what Old Lady 3 didn’t say is that the reason why all the damn Mart Carts were gone is because FAT ASS people who choose not to walk had hogged them all. The woman’s comment “it’s so tough to walk nowadays” is a classic. People who are not disabled but are fat definitely seem to think that’s true.

I saw a man in the Valentine’s Day section that Wal-Mart has erected (pun intended) looking at a display of racy underwear and scratching his nuts.

Is there any V-Day gift more dreaded than last minute plastic-y drugstore chocolates? I need to go to Walgreens yet I dread the thought of being caught in a crossfire of dudes buying crap-ass gifts.

I saw a woman with a gray, permed mullet. From behind, it truly looked like some mad scientist had fused a human with an aging poodle.

I saw an older woman wearing a bright fuchsia oversized sweater on top and tiiiiiiiiight black 80s style stretch pants on the bottom. When she bent down, I swear I thought I was going to witness the seam split open.

As I was looking for something semi-low calorie to make protein shakes with, I feel breath in my hair. I turn around and a woman is perched over the top of me and is trying to read the product that I am looking at over my shoulder. Creepy! Creepy! Creepy!




Heavy sigh.

I guess I’ll picture this all day: