"It's called your voice"

I was both brave and foolhardy today. I decided to go to Wal-Mart because I have been jonesing for a heart rate monitor (one of the small, un-bulky kind in the form of a wristwatch). The last time I went to Academy to replace my athletic shoes, it was even worse than Wal-Mart in terms of crowds. I got stuck behind a crazy woman trying to buy a fish fryer with a depleted gift card. The box the fryer was in was so bashed in that the scanner couldn’t read the bar code. When the clerk finally had the purchase ready, the woman attempted to pay with a gift card that had a $0 balance. I gave up and moved to another register. She was still arguing with the manager by the time I left the store. So Wal-Mart seemed like a less chancy place to go. More crowded and more maddening in some ways, yes, but more convenient, too. This quest started because I’ve taken up some new exercise DVDs and I want to be sure they are a good enough cardio workout. Based on the level of DOMS I have had for the past couple of days, I find it hard to believe they aren’t but I’d still rather have the reassurance of knowing that I’m burning enough calories to make a difference. Hence, the heart rate monitor.

In no particular order, here is some of the freaky shit I saw today:

The store was not as crowded as I expected it to be. Yes, it was still very busy but nowhere near as bad as what I thought it might be.

Many, many people in Mart Carts who were not physically disabled whatsoever

Tons of body odor

Lots of people wearing pajamas in public

A she-male wearing men’s clothes but with women’s jewelry and lipstick

A man wearing a shirt that depicted Obama as Jesus

A woman in overalls, sandals, a tank-top and a button-down English style hat. Dexy’s Midnight Runners, anyone?

A dude buying a last minute gift for his girlfriend, which consisted of a box of Smuckers sundae toppings . . . something tells me she’ll be mighty disappointed with that . . .

Another transsexual wearing a Santa hat doing dances in the front of the store

Tons of married couples arguing with each other

Two old people with a younger guy, perhaps their grandson, having a very odd discussion. I heard the old woman say to the younger guy, “But God HAS given you a gift—it’s called your voice.”


To expound upon my earlier point with the heart rate monitor, if you are like me this year and avidly avoiding the holiday fat-ass syndrome, you need this device in your life. Stat. I do not know how I lived without it. I went to the target heart rate calculator on the Mayo Clinic's site (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/target-heart-rate/SM00083) to get the appropriate range and then I was able to monitor where I was at while I exercised. It made things a lot easier. The model I bought has a calories burned calculator on it, which is based on how long you stayed in your target heart rate. It's a worthwhile investment if you're interested.