Every so often, I like to blog about strange, bad, funny and/or just plain horrific dates that I've had. And this week, I had one that I feel compelled to share. Dear, oh dear, as Angry Chef is apt to say. It was one of the most unintentionally funny dates that I have ever had because not long into the experience, I realized: I am Brian Griffin and he is totally the Jillian. Unlike Brian, though, I couldn't see past the stupidity to make it work. As God as my witness, at one point in the night, I actually thought, "The conversation is lagging . . . I've got to think . . . what do stupid people talk about? They have dates, too." If that thought occurs to you on a date, the romance is dead in the water.
To boil it down, the guy is great looking. As my friend Robyn says, "So many of the handsome ones are the most dense." LOL. He's a professional athlete so, yes, his body was great but I think perhaps he's taken one too many blows to the head. Because there is just nothing up there. He couldn't have been more interested in me and more attentive until the one defining moment: he asks me, "So, did you go to college?" I thought of that scene in Pretty Woman where Vivian asks Edward what grade he made it to and he sort of smirks and dryly replies, "I went all the way." Anyway, I said, "Yes, I did." Then he asks, "Did you finish?" "Yes, of course." "Well, I didn't. I still have five classes left to take and I never will go back. I think college is for losers. I think people who go to school have book smarts but they got no smarts about, umm, life." At that point, I wanted to pull a Joe Rogan, say I was going to pee, and walk out. But I didn't. I behaved and even though I was offended, I tried to salvage the dialogue. So I say, "I knew people in college who certainly had no clue about life outside the educational politics and probably couldn't survive anywhere else." And that is true; some of my professors were socially inept and had no clue about fashion, technology and even the most basic forms of having friendships/relationships. But this is the first date I've had where saying that I had a college degree made the whole night turn on a dime. I am proud of myself for not turning into a total bitch and humiliating him. I just didn't feel like he was worth it or the situation was worth it. I wish I had a list of bad quotes I could furnish you with but the conversation was so pitiful that there isn't much to relay. I do recall him saying that his favorite artists were Winger, Nelson, and REO Speedwagon, which made me cringe. I am a big 80s fan, yes, but who would choose those three bands as the best bands ever? I seem to remember him saying that he enjoyed sleeping outside even when he wasn't camping and I found that strange. Oh yeah-- and he told me he was arriving for the date "dressed up" and when I got there, he was wearing a jersey will fuzz all over it and bad, old school style Dockers with severe pleats. (Refer to this blog for a good photo example of said offense: http://americancaesar.blogspot.com/2005/12/because-theres-nothing-more-important.html.) When I saw this ensemble, it was puzzling because if that is "dressing up," what is his casual look? Complete nudity? He told stories about partying all over Europe and I got the impression that he had put himself in some very dodgy, unsafe situations, if you know what I mean. They were the sort of stories that would make a person think, "Wow. I would not even go there with a 10 foot pole knowing this information." I remember too that when he was reading over the menu, it reminded me of the ep of Family Guy where Brian has a date who tells him, "Opera is bitchin'!" and proceeds to order the "es-car-gott and the chab-liss." When Brian gets home and Lois asks about the date, he says, "Same thing that always happens-- she was an idiot."
As an appropriate homage today, I made this knock-off Chicken Bryan (I always order it as Chicken Brian Griffin when I go to Carrabba's) and it is a-w-e-s-o-m-e. I can highly recommend it: http://www.recipezaar.com/Carrabbas-Chicken-Bryan-64356
Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
