Mantitilitis

A night different from the typical Saturday night but yielding of many gems nonetheless.

From 2 Saturdays back:

*"Simon Cowell-ing your own genitals" After one reaches a certain age, one must begin taking a critical look at one's own genitals. Problems with sag. Problems with gray hair. You gotta just be honest in your appraisal down there.

"Miracle on . . . 41st Street. Wait a minute. Did I just say Miracle on 41st Street instead of Miracle on 34th Street?"
"Yes, you did. But I like it better that way."

"The White Peach Martini: like a sweet, succulent nipple."

"He calls everyone madam even when he's hurling these terrible insults. Makes me think, like, if Gordo wants a madam, I'll give him one that makes Heidi Fleiss look like a peanut."

"I'm havin' a bad trip, man!" (My response to the 3-D action in My Bloody Valentine . . . while drunk on too much vodka)

"I'll thank you not to throw fiery debris in my face, captain, thank you. I got my face in good shape for the next trip we take, I don't want it messed up now."

"I bet he has teddy bear hair. I just bet he does and oooooooh, I bet it's so sofffffffffffft."

"I better take my cup before it bursts into flames."

"Ron asked me if 'Pierre' has been selling Sham-Wows on TV and I was like, That is not even remotely what he looks like."
"No, he doesn't look anything like that dude who sells Sham-Wows."

"These are cool, they look good."
"Yeah, if you wanna look like Roy Orbison. Pretty wo-man, yeah yeah yeah."



And from the VERY strange night of leaving the house much earlier than usual and ending up at a smokehole bar I'd never been to previously . . .

"I think he's the type that you would have to get intensely drunk to get him kinky."
"Or be under the influence of drugs."
"Like ecstasy. That might do it. Can you imagine if someone gave that to ME?"
"No man would be safe."
"Hell no. You don't give X to a Quagmire."
"The men of LA would not be safe. The men of London would not be safe."


"We still laugh about the night of PJ Sparkles."
"The roofie situation."
"Who else but a Quagmire could be given roofies and still be up walking and talking?"
"Yeah and be able to drive."
"Drive home to another city! Only a Quagmire could do that. The bottom line is that you don't give roofies to a Quagmire. Just like you wouldn't need to give them X. Just don't even bother with drugs."

"It's like the time when I had the Gorbechev face or the woman tonight with the ice pack: I will not allow someone or something to keep me from doing what I want!"

"People were smoking cigars and cigarettes. My eyes are on fire."

"If I wanted to hook up with Ted Danson, I could make that happen for myself, thanks."

"I think that's Marshall Applewhite! From the Do and Ti cult!"

"Check out the ass-grab. That guy from Spin Doctors has some game tonight."
"What did they sing?"
"One, two princes kneel before you. That's what I said now . . ."

"Does this have any alcohol in it at all? Let's look at the menu again and make sure it's not part of the non-alcoholic line-up."
"No, it says it has four different kinds in it."
"I know they did something because you can hardly even see the Coke in it. I guess maybe I need a liver transplant if I can taste that much booze and not even know it."
(approximately 10 minutes later)
"Oh shit. Oh yeah. I feel it now. It's hittin' me like an 18-wheeler now."

"I think someone might have been masturbating at the ATM earlier. I don't know why."

"Why does everyone drive a terrible minivan in this city?"
"They need to all go with the other losers to Bull Island."
"Escape from Bull Island."
"They'll have to escape in minivans."

"Did you pay for this already."
"No."
"I understand. Everyone gets thirsty sometimes."
"Umm, yeah, yeah they do."

"I think they are pouring TV and McCormick! No wonder this tastes like acetone."

"We'll just do the Last Resort Fighting: kill them with kindness. Being nice and polite. It will be a real shock."

"Awww, look at how blue his eyes are. People should be so lucky, ya know?"

"I see man boobs. I see man boobs. I am not even kidding. The boobs are snaking around inside the shirt. They are snaking and they are dancing. The only man boobs I would be willing to deal with are Simon's. And even he was smart enough to get that mess lipo-ed out."

"The man boobs are what killed it. The killer what took it was enTITilitis."
"Mantitilitis."
"No one knows what mantitilitis is or what it does but it kills."

"I need to hang a sign up in here like what you might see in a taxi and just have it say: This is the Simon Cowell car. If you can't handle discussions that are real and raw, there's the door."

"Buckle your seatbelt. You're gonna need it."