Jane Winebox, etc.

I am in a terrific mood this evening. I don't feel like typing out cohesive paragraphs of thought. I will leave you with a cavalcade of observations, questions and quotations.

*Who the fuck goes up to women in a bar and gives them Eskimo kisses after knowing them for, like, less than five minutes? I observed this whilst channel surfing and stumbling upon a second damn season of that Pick Up Artist show on VH1. Who does that? Who allows a stranger in the face after not knowing them for more than a couple of minutes? And on that note, who goes into a bar in a goddamn fur vest? I told Margaret that this is not 1968 AD, 1968 BC or 19,068 BC. Therefore, no one sports a fucking fur vest anymore. It reminded me of an episode of The Saint where Simon Templar comments on the men in Chelsea wearing fake chest hair wigs to freaky parties. And yeah, that was in the late 60s. Mmkay, mmkay.

*Why do I consistently see stoners in the grocery store lurking around but buying nothing? When did the grocery store become the happening hang-out for potheads?

*"He is one of the bottom rung demons. Not one of the higher-up, better known demons."
"Yeah, he's no Beelzebub or Mephistopheles. He's more like the janitor who cleans up in Hell."

*"In the home of the Trump, you have to act like the Trump. When in Rome, right?"

*My thought on a certain dried-up woman at the moment: "I know how they met. And she is a ho-ho. So she needs to have the ho-ho train turned back on her."

*"I heard she was giving people the stink-eye."
"I got two things for the stink-eye" (and Margaret holds up both middle fingers)
"Yeah, man. Both guns blazing."

*"Joe Six-Pack and Jane Winebox."
"That sounds like a porno title. Jane Winebox. Think about it."
"Does your hotel have a DVD player? The vacation was going good until Kevin brought up a DVD of The Adventures of Jane Winebox."

*"There will be men on the street who will attempt to hand me brochures for strip clubs."
"Don't you find that sort of . . . insulting? Like they are telling you that you look the type to frequent a tittie bar?"

*"His name was Javier. I had a hard time understanding him but he sounded authentically Spanish. Like Javier Bardem. I didn't mind it."

*"Keep talking. I'm just gonna sit here and continue to lacquer mascara on my lashes."

*I found a flannel Scrooge nightgown. It ain't pretty but, I mean, it is functional. Not fucktional, but functional.

*If you want to alienate a man, discuss Mephistopheles, your job and your current state of happiness in life. Why this works, I do not know. Or, as I like to say sometimes, I durst not know. Maybe the new magnetism is being unhappy. Hey, kids, I'm going to be meeting my idol in person soon. I just can't be miserable.

*"We could say, 'You are starting to spaz out like Simeon. Not a simian from Planet of the Apes, but Simeon the spaz from Pick Up Artist.'"

*"He mentioned 'witty titty sex' and it reminded me of our pun Buckets Titfuckits. I think we are on a wavelength of perversion with him. And I'm OK with that."

*"I am waiting for the day when you call me and tell me you want me to do your hair for your wedding."
"Well. In that case, you are gonna be waiting for a long-ass time."

*"It's one of those things where by, like, comparison, it all comes clear."

*"I had to go get Simon LeBon-ed. 'Hungry Like the Wolf' is a theme for this expedition so it's only fitting to throw in some platinum hair."

*"Would they be Jedi squirrels?"

*I just had a small piece of dark chocolate. And damn, it was good.

*"He looked like he needed a Nazi-style delousing. Start with a full body shave. Then a shower that is so hot it steams all the flesh. Then dry off and spread bug-suffocating powder on the body. He was really that filthy."

*"That is going on my list of what NOT to wear when meeting one's idol. I wanna be a hot, sophisticated broad not an object of pity. Forget that."

*The woman on Kitchen Nightmares this week handed Gordon Ramsey some manner of cookie that looked like a wad of Vaseline with a ton of powdered sugar on it. He tried to eat it, choked and then said something like, "Fuck me." I laughed.

*"It looks like that is $797."
"Yeah, except I am looking at it right now and it says $522."
"Oh. Well. Let me check again."
"Please do."

*"I gotta keep calling until a male operator answers. Then I can use the Kathleen Turner sexy voice. Like the night of M-o-r-g-a-n. Like that's even a difficult name to spell."

*"Are you saying you think it's sick and perverse?"
*"Well of course I am. He's an 81 year old man. But it's like I told Ron: I don't find it sick and perverse enough to stop."

*"Where was I going with this?"

*"The high school kids fought off the Commies in Red Dawn."

*"I only know things that begin with Com. Like comedy. Comic book stores. Communist bars. That sort of thing."

*"Our heads will explode and then God will have to put all the pieces back together again."

*"Comma."
"Don't patronize me. I know a comma goes there. This is like the Life cereal letter with Lois and Peter. 'Lois, take a letter. Dear Life Cereal, who do you think you ahh?'"

*Damn. The dryer just kicked off. This means I need to get up and fold towels. Blah.