Helpful Tips & Observations

We all have things in life that we are born with and cannot help. I’m a petite woman myself but I happen to enjoy this fact and would not change it for all the leggy-ness in the world. But I can see where a man who is teeny-tiny would probably not be so accepting of his fate. So I have compiled a brief list of helpful tips and observations based on a very odd date I had recently that might help the men out there to steer clear of a Napoleon complex when there was only one Napoleon who could pull it off:

*Do not tuck a sweater into a pair of SEVERELY pleated khakis left over from the 80s.

*Do not present yourself as the most arrogant, egomaniacal person on the planet.

*Do not interrogate your date and intellectually masturbate as though she is on a quiz show and being evaluated up and down.

*If you have the Satanic telekinetic powers to cause things to spontaneously break, keep that on lock during the first date outing. (That really did happen, no joke!)

*Do reveal info about your education and your job. Giving no information about what you do makes it appear that you are probably unemployed due to general obnoxiousness.

*If the highlight of your life is driving a Pantera, do not advertise this fact. (This was the car, after all, that was a rust bucket and was shot at by Elvis Presley for unreliable starting. Ok? Ok, thanks.)

*If you hate Family Guy and you accuse Seth McFarlane of ripping off Matt Groening, put a sock in it. I love Family Guy. Simpsons is played the f-u-c-k out, big time.

*On a related note, if you don’t choose to cuss, that’s fine. Be a perpetual 5 year old. But do not correct my swearing. I am Irish and I will punch you in the eye if you do that.

*If you order a drink, do not spend 90 minutes sipping it like it is poison. This tells me you are: a lightweight, you rarely leave the house, you don’t have much practice at boozing, and/or you are sulking in order to make some type of commentary that you think the bar is beneath your standards.

*If you are a hetero male and you ask to see a wine list at a CASINO, get real. I mean, seriously. Get real.

*Not even a James Bond audiobook could make a road trip through Kansas cool. Also: there are no majestic mountains to look at in Kansas. I don’t care what you say, Kansas is not the place to see purple mountains majesty above the fruited plains.

*If you drone on and on about touring the Celestial Seasons tea factory and butting into a conversation between two Austrians about the various dialects of German, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Pretentious and sleep inducing.

*Do not argue with me about Sir Roger Moore in any way, shape or form. Roger Moore is a god amongst mere mortals and you are not fit to shine his shoes.

*If the highlight of my night is sharing Paul Mitchell hairspray with a drunkard in the bathroom, you have not provided me with a fun evening.